We could be Heroes
by sleepyintrovert212
Summary: Okay this is my first time posting fanfic usually I rp but...yeah. Dean/Cas hurt comfort fluff. Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak have both just suffered devastating losses and are trying to pick up the pieces. Dean moves back in with his mother and starts working at a bookstore, while Cas moves in with his insufferable brother. Coincidental meetings and a budding romance ensue!
1. Chapter 1

Dean Winchester was having a bad day.

Okay, no, that was a lie. He was having the worst fucking day he could imagine ever having. He forced memories of it out of his mind, though the act of focusing on ignoring them only made having them brought to his attention more infuriatingly inevitable. He was scared to close his eyes, because every time he did all he saw were flashes of the coffin, of the flowers, of all the black, of his brother's round eyes bright with tears, of…

No, he wasn't going to fucking think about that.

He was going to think about the road. He was going to stare it down as he sped past at a most ridiculous speed, downing the remainder of his beer. Dean didn't even have music on, which just never happened. This car existed for three things, three things only- to be the most beautiful and bad-ass ride ever, to provide a sometimes awkward but nonetheless hot place to have sex, and to blast music in his ears as he drove. But tonight she was silent, and Dean was silent, and all that existed now was the enveloping darkness of the swallowing night, the road, and the faint taste of beer still in his mouth.

After about an hour of this, Dean was crying and running out of road.

Castiel Novak, slender fingers loosely grasping his forgotten cell phone, had found_ the_ star chart.

Well, this was a planetarium, and there were plenty of things of this nature about, but this particular star chart took up a whole wall and depicted every constellation he knew of, which was rather impressive. It was the one thing he always wandered back to, no matter how much he'd tell himself this time he was going to actually look at some other stuff this time. Surely something new would be more informative than a big poster filled with stars with which he was already familiar.

It didn't matter, though. Not really. This particular corner of the planetarium was quiet, small, secluded. It was just him and the paper stars. And nothing, not even the annoying, insistent buzz of his phone, was going to disturb that.

Not even when his phone hissed at him, _Cassie, dammit, where the hell are you? You can't just run off like that without telling anyone- _

With an irritated hiss, Castiel finally turned his attention back to his phone and hastily turned it off. Now he might have some peace at last.

Dean was a manly crier, of course. When he cried, he didn't _cry _as much as have silent, sometimes even solitary, tears slide down his face, but when he drove past the Lawrence Planetarium, he gave up. He stopped the car, buried his face in his hands, and quietly sobbed.

Fuck, he'd forgotten his new rule not to close his eyes.

And he could see it all, every subtly grieving face, then his brother's not so subtle one, his mother desperately clasping on to his hand as the preacher started speaking…

With that he forced himself to stop. To just stop, turn off the car, and start walking towards the still-lit building. Just to have something to do, he told himself.

Dean found he often lied to himself.

As he opened the doors, he was both relieved and perfectly terrified to find everything exactly as it was when he and Sammy were kids and their parents would bring them here, their tiny hands safe in their big grown up ones. The only difference was everything had been much…well, taller, then.

The place was open, but barely. It seemed quiet remote, actually. There wasn't even anyone at the main desk to sell him a ticket or whatever the hell it was people had to do. So Dean just started milling about, which was okay, he told himself. He didn't really want to look at anything, he just wanted to walk, clear his mind, and he was already here.

After just a few minutes of wandering aimlessly, he started finding himself desperate to get the hell out. Everything was the same, everything.

And it was just like that Winchester luck of his to make him get utterly lost just as he decided he needed to leave.

Of all the things he remembered about the place and where they all were, the exit door suddenly wasn't one of them. But then, kids don't really have to ever know just where they are or how to get out. Not if they have parents holding their hands…

At some point, Dean found himself walking in something of a daze into a little pocket of the building he actually didn't remember. It was utterly plain- just a beige wall, almost nearly taken up by a big black poster with dots he supposed were stars, a little brown bench, and a boy.

Dean stopped, did a double take before walking away. The boy's back was turned to him and his head was tilted slightly as he looked on the poster in what seemed to be intense interest, though Dean couldn't much understand why.

All of a sudden, just as he thought of turning on his heel and finally leaving, the stranger turned around and Dean's eyes were arrested by vividly blue ones.

"I-um, sorry," Dean stuttered.

"You're fine," the boy assured him in surprisingly rough voice that made Dean wonder whether or not the kid smoked, nice-looking as he was.

And, damn, he _was. _

Just a few inches shorter than Dean, very slim, a sort of pale golden shade to his skin, just the right amount of stubble dusted about his jaw, a dark, almost feathery mess for hair…

Dean forced himself to stop staring and turned his eyes instead to his shoes. "I-uh.."

The boy just lightly chuckled. "You all right there?"

Dean didn't know what made him actually admit in a soft murmur, eyes still downcast, "No."

He glanced up a moment and saw the kid tilt his head slightly to the side again, blue eyes narrowed. "I'm sorry to hear that. Me neither."

"Oh, I-s-sorry to hear about that, too."

He gave Dean a small smile and turned back to the little white dots spangled about the vast expanse of black paper. Dean started to turn away again, knowing he didn't have any business here, but something kept him still.

After a few moments the boy looked back at him, something like amusement lighting in his eyes. He didn't say anything, just scooted a little on the bench. A silent invitation. Dean took it warily, though he didn't know why. Maybe a part of him wanted company, some distraction, even someone to talk to although that was stupid and he knew it. It was just the general anxieties and stress of the day taking their toll, he explained to himself with a sigh.

The stranger took note of it and lightly tilted his head to the side, silently sizing him up. "My name is Castiel," he said at length.

Dean couldn't hold back a snort of laughter. "Weird," he blurted out. Once he realized how rude that sounded, he winced, wishing he could take it back, but Castiel didn't seemed particularly bothered.

"Yes, I know. My parents were…" Castiel paused as he tried to find the right words. Finally he went with, "Religious nuts. Anyway, it's an angel name, like my brother's—" Quite abruptly, he fell silent, his eyes downcast, his shoulders slumping as if weighed down by something invisible but unbearably heavy.

Dean knew that look and rushed to the stranger's rescue. "I'm Dean." He thrust his hand out to shake, uncertain if it would be taken but inexplicably eager to find out.

With that same sad smile Castiel wrapped his hand around Dean's, its grip warm and firm but soft all at once. Dean found himself wondering if he used fancy hand lotion or something like his mother and a few ex-girlfriends were partial to, while Castiel drew it back.

"Do you come here often?" he asked, shaking Dean from his trivial train of thought.

"N-no." Clearing his throat, he added more steadily, "I mean, when I was a kid. But no, I just moved back to town, actually."

Castiel nodded, his eyes distant but his tone polite and even subtly coaxing. Or maybe Dean just really liked that almost gritty note to his eloquent voice. "And why is that?"

"I—" Normally Dean would tell some stranger asking dumb questions to piss off and then proceed to storm away and vow never to talk to strangers at all ever again. But instead he found more words somehow spilling out of his mouth. "My father died last week and today was his funeral and my—my mom, she…she isn't doing so good. I'm moving back in with her, just for a few months I think, till she can start to cope on her own or something and my brother would do it but he has to go back to school and…" Finally, he seemed to run out of words and just stared blankly down at the tiled floor, tracing its boring checkerboard pattern with his gaze until it grew hazy. He blinked and was surprised to find that tears had started welling in his eyes.

That, and someone's hand had found its way in between his shoulder blades, a warm but unobtrusive and non-invasive pressure. "I'm…sorry," Dean said after a short silence. "Didn't mean to dump all that on you."

"My father has also died, though I was not given the luxury of having my mother left behind," said Castiel in a small, bleak voice.

Dean's eyes widened. "Oh, shit, I—fuck, I'm sorry…" Dean couldn't think of anything better to say, and once again, Castiel didn't seem to mind. And yet he did feel something was lacking, some sort of sentiment he didn't quite know how to give words to yet. Another useless apology to the stranger? That was all that came to mind, so they fell once more into silence.

It was broken rather jarringly when Dean's phone buzzed insistently against his denim-clad thigh. He looked away and pulled it out, suddenly aware that he'd been staring at Castiel while they brooded, and frowned as he read the new text. "Lame as it sounds, that's my mom. I should, um…I should go…" The last sentence almost came out like a question, as if he needed Castiel's permission or insistence that he leave.

Castiel seemed to be ripped out of a trance of his own and abruptly nodded at him. "Yes, you should be with her." As his hand left Dean's back and Dean started to rise from the bench, he added, "I, um…"

Dean immediately looked back at him, stuffing his phone back in his pocket. "Yeah?"

"As…_undesirable_ as the circumstances of this meeting were, I'm glad we did meet."

"You're a weird kid, you know that?" Dean asked with a tiny but sincere smile. "But, yeah. Me too." He almost thought of ruffling his already-messy hair. Almost. But that was weird and they were strangers and besides, it was time to go.

Castiel smiled as Dean finally walked away, then turned his attention back to the stars.

"Dean?" Mary asked as she heard the front door creak open.

Dean winced. Damn, he'd been hoping that she had already gone to bed. He had no idea of how he was supposed to justify abandoning her after the funeral, even to himself. He'd just…needed to get away from it all.

But when his mother emerged from the kitchen, radiant even in her sadness, she was smiling her sweet smile at him and pulled him into a warm hug. Dean was confused by this reaction but let himself melt into it, even clinging onto her and burying his face in her neck as the world seemed to crumble around them.

"Thank you for staying with me," she murmured softly. Dean could've laughed. That was the opposite of what he'd done. He almost went as far as to wonder if she was being cruelly sarcastic, but Mary wasn't like that. Even without him saying anything, she knew, of course. Knew he'd needed time to himself but that he'd still be there for her for as long as she needed him.

He didn't know how long they just stood there in each other's arms but at some point someone started pulling away. Dean wasn't even sure who, he was too _tired_ of being awake and being aware of all the shit that was going down around him. It would be a blessing to crash in his old room and just ignore everything for a few hours.

Mary smiled and stood up on the tips of her toes to kiss his temple. "Goodnight, my little angel. I love you."

Dean let out a soft sigh as the familiar words washed over him, and with a gruff but heartfelt, "I love you too, Mama," started stumbling in the general direction of his room.


	2. Chapter 2

(note: here's Chapter Two, a bit more eventful than Chapter One. I hope you like and thanks for reading ^_^ I'm not sure just how long this story'll end up being, but I now have a better idea of where it's going. I'll try to post a new chapter every Wednesday)

"Where the fuck were you, Cassie?" Gabriel asked the moment Castiel took a step inside their apartment. Castiel winced; he had tried so hard to open the door as slowly and quietly as possible, and had planned to go as far as to tiptoe to his room. Instead he trudged his way to the living room, where his older brother was waiting, sitting on the couch and looking up at him with pressing questions written plainly in his eyes.

"I stepped out, is it really a big deal?" Castiel countered, his voice low and not really even forming into a question, because of course these things were a big deal. He knew he'd been acting off ever since he moved in with Gabriel, and he also knew how much he was worrying his brother and how selfish it was of him to keep insisting he was fine, but he was at a loss whenever he wondered what else there was he could do.

Gabriel rose slowly to his feet, watching Castiel with wary hazel eyes, as if his brother were a small animal he was trying hard not to frighten away. "Cassie…please, I told you, you're an adult now and I can't stop you from, uh...'stepping out,' but you've _gotta _tell me, man."

"And I asked you to please stop calling me 'Cassie.'" Castiel's voice was barely above a whisper, bleak and weary and flat.

Gabriel sighed, walked up to him, and gently patted his shoulder. "Just…_please _try to help me out a little here. I really don't know what to do with you."

"You don't need to do anything. As you said, I'm an adult now." Castiel immediately wished he could take that back, and hastily added, "I—I know you're trying to help, and I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me—"

His brother cut him off with an abrupt hug. At first Castiel was rather stunned and didn't know what to do. They'd never been the hugging type. But Gabriel was insistent they should start now, apparently, and even rested his head on his brother's shoulder. So Castiel let himself relax into it, and wrapped his arms around Gabriel's smaller frame. It only lasted a moment before Castiel had to step back, eyes fixed on the ground.

"I…went to the planetarium."

"Again?"

Castiel nodded and started walking toward his bedroom. "Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, and that I turned my phone off. I won't do it again."

Gabriel sighed but didn't say anything else, and let his little brother go hide in his room.

Castiel didn't sleep much that night. He only drifted off for an hour or so at a time, and spent the rest of the night staring up at the ceiling and wishing desperately that he_ could_ just sleep and not wake up for at least ten hours. It had been like this off and on for months, and he was so _tired_.

At first it was because he kept having dreams about his parents, dreams that he always jerkily forced himself awake from. He'd tried to deal with their death, to heal, and most of the time things felt okay. Until he crawled back into bed. Until he saw them smiling at him.

_No, stop,_ Castiel chided himself for what must be the millionth time that night, and many nights before. _Don't think. Not about that. _

He tossed and turned helplessly in his too-fluffy bed. All of Gabriel's furniture seemed too fluffy for his taste. Just like everything they had in the fridge contained entirely too much sugar and too little vegetables. Castiel sighed and tried once more to simply keep his eyes shut and slip back into another fitful bout of sleep. His efforts proved fruitless, of course.

He tried again about fifteen minutes or so later, and as soon as he shut his eyes he saw the memory of a face assemble in his mind. A stranger with almost unnaturally symmetric features, gently dusted golden freckles, and sad green eyes. _Dean_. That had been his name. Castiel was a little amazed he remembered. He was awful with names. Just as he was awful with remembering what groceries they needed, and what time he should set his alarm for his morning classes, and ordering from just the right pizza joint, much to his brother's vexation.

_Dean. _Dean with the warm hand and open smile, despite his obvious grief. Dean with the rough but pretty voice, who didn't shrug Castiel's hand off despite their being complete strangers and who had moved back in with his mother just to help her get through their devastating loss.

_I wouldn't mind seeing him again, _Castiel mused as agitated, restless sleep once more took hold of him.

Dean's shift at the bookstore started way too damn early in the morning, but he was an early riser anyway and it was always nice for him to feel like he was being productive. Still wasn't his idea of a perfect morning, though. That involved the whole family gathered in the kitchen for a big homemade breakfast, then a nice drive to a bookstore in which he just shopped rather than worked. The whole family…_No, quit it. No wallowing today, you're working today. _Family here was him and Mary, and breakfast was a granola bar, and instead of his preferred plain T-shirts he had to wear one with "Lawrence Bookstore" written in giant orange Comic Sans letters.

Groaning in disgust, he reluctantly pulled it on and reached the bookstore within ten minutes. He entered through the little café at the front, where his coworker Garth had fallen asleep face-first on the counter.

Dean smiled and tapped him none-too-gently on the shoulder. "Rise 'n shine, buddy."

Garth shook with a startled yelp, eyes wide. "Jackass," he moaned unhappily, rolling his eyes and slugging Dean in the arm as hard as he could, which reminded Dean of Sammy's cute little ten-year-old punches.

"Okay, okay, sorry," Dean laughed. "Anyone else here yet?"

Garth shook his head and turned away from him to start up the coffeemakers. "Nah. Want some caffeine?"

"Do you think that could be considered stealing company property?"

"You always this mouthy in the mornin'?"

Dean grinned. "Yep. But, yeah, caffeine sounds great." Garth mumbled something under his breath but got a couple of mugs out from one of the cabinets anyway.

Dean sat down on the table farthest away from all the natural light spilling through the windows. He liked Garth already, which was saying something because it usually took a while for Dean to get used to someone new, let alone genuinely like them. Maybe he just felt especially lonely and short of friends here in Lawrence. Maybe he appreciated how distracting their light bantering was. Either way, they got along well when Garth wasn't all pissy about his unnatural morning cheerfulness.

For a few peaceful moments the only sound to be heard was that of the coffeemakers buzzing and growling and Garth snoring again. Dean took a book out of his tan messenger bag and started reading as he waited for the day to truly begin.

It began much earlier than expected when the door opened with the sudden tinkling song of the little bell. Dean's head snapped up, eyes wide in surprise, and he rushed to get behind the counter and shoulder Garth out of the way and try to make things look slightly more professional.

He was surprised enough already, but downright shocked when he saw that their early bird customer possessed a familiar face.

Castiel looked much different than he had last night, all rumpled hair and weary eyes and wrinkled clothes, his face still slightly puffy. Dean would assume he'd just rolled out of bed if he weren't dressed in jeans and a cute black pull-over sweater.

Wait, cute? Dean never thought of things as "cute," especially not things that other guys wore. He quickly shook himself back to attention as Castiel approached the counter, slowly looking up at him with those sunken eyes.

Castiel blinked and canted his head to the side a little. "Dean?" he asked, his voice even more gravelly than usual.

Dean gave him his brightest Unnatural Early Morning Cheer smile. "Hey, stranger. Fancy seeing you here. Or anyone, actually, at seven-thirty. We're technically not open yet," he added, inclining his head in Garth's direction.

Castiel's eyes didn't waver from his face, however, almost unbearably intense despite his obvious exhaustion. "I apologize," he said after a pause. "Should I come back?"

Dean shrugged. "What the hell? We've got fresh coffee now."

Castiel smiled, his face tired but not unfriendly, and took a seat. "That'd be fantastic. How much?"

Dean had no idea of what made him blurt out, "On the house," as he filled Castiel's mug.

Castiel raised an eyebrow as he set it before him, the coffee's steam sending its rich aroma right into his nose and making his mouth water. "You sure?"

Dean smiled and nodded. _What the fuck? _he demanded of himself as he poked Garth awake once more. "Hey, did you bake those scones last night?"

Garth mumbled a curse around a wide yawn but nodded. "Yeah, I'll get 'em out of the back." And then it was just Dean and Castiel again, and for some reason that thought made apprehension laced with unexpected giddiness spread all over his body.

"Um, so…" he started lamely, claiming the chair across from Castiel. "What are you doin' up this early, anyway?"

He half-expected Castiel to give him a grumpy Garth-esque reaction, but the boy just shrugged. "I set my alarm too early. I do that sometimes. Better than too late, I guess. So my first class doesn't start for another couple of hours and I thought maybe I'd pick up this botany book I've been eyeing."

Dean chuckled. "Plant guy, huh?"

Castiel shrugged and took a careful sip of his still-steaming coffee. "I like birds too. And stars, as you saw last night. But I'm taking mostly English classes. This stuff's more of a hobby."

"So you're a student?" Dean was surprised. He'd guessed the kid was a bit younger than him because of his slimmer, not-quite-grown-into-everything frame, but…

"Freshman," Castiel answered with a nod, setting his cup gingerly on the table and wrapping his long hands firmly round it.

Dean's eyes widened. He certainly never guessed he was quite _that_ young.

Castiel huffed out gruff laugh. "You're looking at me like we just fucked and I just told you I'm fifteen. Which I'm not. I'm nineteen, and we didn't fuck, so you're good."

Dean was positively _gaping _at him now, when a rumble of laughter rolled over him, too. "Jesus, I never pegged you for a teenager. Or a potty mouth."

"It's a gift," said Castiel with one of his lovely small smiles. Okay, no way in hell did Dean _ever _describe anything as "lovely" to himself. Yeah, everything that had been going on was definitely getting him in some weird funk, one that began with his new habit of talking to teenaged strangers. _Boy _teenaged strangers.

And then there was something about the way said boy teenaged stranger was looking at him over the rim of his mug, his gaze heavy and bright with a spark of interest about which Dean wasn't sure how he felt.

He awkwardly started to rise from his seat. "Um—"

Almost as if reading his mind, Castiel swiftly cut him off. "I'm sorry if the fucking comment was a bit blunt. I don't know what I'm saying half the time this early in the day."

Dean nodded curtly. "Uh, yeah…"

Castiel took his cue with a graceful smile and politely got up to set his almost-empty mug on the counter. "If it's all right, I guess I'll go hunt for that book. Thank you very much for the coffee, Dean."

"Yeah," Dean murmured. "See you around, Cas."

Castiel shot him another smile over his shoulder before walking out of the café.

Dean was most definitely _not _stalking Castiel as he walked leisurely about the store, occasionally picking up a book and leafing through it with gentle hands before setting it back down in its proper place and returning to his original search. Just like Dean most definitely did _not _feel a small but very present twinge of affection every time Cas did that, or most anything else. He couldn't help but be fascinated by the boy's quiet little mannerisms and how he seemed to be lost in a world all his own, completely unaware of everything else, including a certain bookstore employee who was absolutely and positively _not_ following him.

Finally, Dean made himself stop and return to the café, where Garth was nowhere to be seen, having probably fallen asleep in the middle of his scone mission. Dean sighed and finally poured himself a cup of coffee, wrinkling his nose when the lukewarm liquid hit his lips.

It wasn't as if he thought it was wrong to feel this…thing toward Castiel, it had just caught him very off-guard. What disturbed him far more than Cas' being a man was the fact that this "thing" was a damn crush, something Dean had thought he'd left behind in high school.

Fuck, he didn't even _know _the guy. They'd met twice, and talked to each other for approximately five minutes during each encounter. No, they didn't know each other and Dean didn't know that he was suddenly bi and wanted to take the kid out for a movie sometime. All he knew for stone-hard fact was that he wouldn't mind if Castiel started frequenting the bookstore, namely the café in which they might actually get to know each other.

Castiel found his way back into the café about an hour later, a small paperback in hand. "Hey, Dean, do you think you could ring me up real quick?"

Dean couldn't imagine denying him anything in the world when his eyes looked so innocent and suddenly youthful instead of sleepy, and especially not when he said something like 'real quick.' Dean looked up from the counter, which he'd been scrubbing clean for probably far longer than necessary, and smiled back. "Yeah, sure. Um, actually we can do it here; I'll just stash it in this register instead."

"All right," Castiel hummed, digging into his back pocket for a crumpled ten dollar bill. He handed Dean the book first so he could make certain that Castiel wasn't cheating him, as if he would ever suspect that, and then the proper amount of money, and suddenly that was it. The student's business here was done for the day and within a few seconds he'd be walking out the door. For some reason the idea seemed incredibly undesirable to Dean.

"Thank you," Cas said with that same innocent little smile that made Dean wonder if the boy was feeling something even remotely similar. "I think I'll be back."

His words sent a wide grin spreading across Dean's face. "Y-yeah, okay! See ya, Cas."

With that, Castiel was gone for good, or at least for a while, but now all Dean could think about was that smile, and the promise that it seemed to have held.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three **

**(Warnings: underage drinking and attempted non-con kissing bc underage drinking)**

When Dean got back to his mom's house, the first thing he noticed was that everything was strangely quiet, and for as long as he could remember, this place was simply _never _quiet. It had always been filled with Sammy's laughter, and Mary's soft humming as she baked, and music blaring from his father's record player. And even now that it was just the two of them, Mary had been making a point to keep the house as noisy as possible by playing her own music and baking even more than usual.

But now all was silent, and Dean felt a chill roughly take hold of him. "Mom? Mom, you here?"

When she didn't answer, he went to check the kitchen, then the living room, and finally his parents' (_no, just Mom's_) bedroom.

He found Mary crumpled on the floor, holding herself so tightly her knuckles were white where they were clutching at her arms. She was rocking slightly back and forth, softly sobbing. Dean, startled, quickly rushed to her.

"Mom—Mom! Hey," he soothed, cradling her and gently moving a lock of golden hair out of her face. Her shining, mournful eyes blinked up at him. "What's the matter?"

"His clothes," she whispered. "I—I realized I haven't taken them over to Goodwill yet, but I s-saw them and they still smell like him—" The rest of her words were drowned in a fresh wave of tears.

Dean made a small whimper at the back of his throat and held her tighter. "God—Mom, I'm sorry." He knew those words were hollow and stupidly overused at this point, but he couldn't think of anything better.

Mary nodded; better words weren't needed, just someone to be there to hold her and listen and understand. At least that was the impression Dean got when she kissed his cheek with that awful sad smile of hers that was becoming all too familiar to him.

In the end, Dean took care of his dad's clothes. He told Mary it was okay, that she could hold onto them, but she insisted it would help her to let go. He felt like there was a cold hole in his chest as he did it, and before getting back into the car for the drive home he popped into a convenient store to pick up a beer.

Mary frowned when she saw him throw away the empty bottle but didn't say anything. She just stared down at the ground for a moment before gathering herself and looking up at him with a warm smile. Still not a happy one, Dean was disappointed to see.

"Help me make dinner?"

Dean let out a resigned sigh but made himself smile back at her. "Sure."

Castiel didn't know what it was that kept leading his feet back to the bookstore almost every morning before school. He never actually needed anything, so he often picked up one or two cheap not-too-awful-looking paperbacks, and always a coffee. Random books he didn't need and coffee stupidly early in the morning meant chatting with Dean.

He finally convinced Dean to actually charge him for his coffee on the third day, but he'd been grumpy about it. It had been a sweet gesture, but Castiel felt better paying for it himself. He felt especially good when he remembered to drop some change in the tip jar, too, though he only did that when he was sure Dean's back was turned.

It was a strange but very pleasant routine they'd made. Castiel would come in around seven or seven-thirty, when the place was still empty and Dean technically shouldn't be letting anyone in at all and Garth was sleeping either on the counter or one of the gross orange sofas. Dean would pour him some coffee and they'd sit down and talk, and each conversation grew slightly longer than the last. Dean seemed to like listening to Castiel ramble about anything—his classes, mostly, as well as Gabriel's strange antics. Castiel didn't have a whole lot else to talk about, in all honesty. At least, not a lot he wanted to talk about.

It didn't seem to matter, though. Dean just listened with that soft smile of his, the smile that would sometimes make Cas start staring without him realizing it. If the other man was ever bothered by that, he never showed it, which was a huge relief. Castiel had had _that _guy friend enough times before, the one who assumed that every gay dude in the world was constantly checking him out. To be fair, Castiel_ was_ checking Dean out more often than he'd like to admit, but he couldn't really help it. Dean was gorgeous, and a fantastic conversationalist, which was somehow almost as attractive as his outward appearance.

So yeah, their morning chat soon became one of Castiel's favourite parts of his day. This particular morning was a bright and sunny newborn Friday, and Castiel was a bit grumpy because he hadn't gotten any sleep at all last night. That had happened plenty of times, but he'd been sure it was over.

Dean, with his weird magical sympathy powers, instantly seemed to catch on that something wasn't right. In fact, Castiel felt downright shitty. His body felt too heavy and sluggish and he could barely keep his eyes open.

"Are you okay there?" Dean asked, already filling up a large mug of black coffee.

Castiel just grumbled in response and slumped into the nearest chair.

Dean snorted and gave into the urge to lightly ruffle his messy dark hair. Castiel's eyes snapped open and he felt his body involuntarily tense. Dean cleared his throat and clumsily set the mug down on the table, apparently mistaking his surprise for discomfort.

"So, uh…rough night?" he asked a little hastily as he took his own seat.

"Yeah," Castiel sighed. "I didn't get any sleep at all, actually."

A tiny warm feeling fluttered in his chest when he noticed Dean's green eyes widen in concern. "Why? Is it school?"

"I…no. I've been having trouble sleeping ever since my, uh…my parents died." Truthfully, even before that, but now was not the time to get into that story.

Dean looked away and let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry, man."

Castiel couldn't bring himself to even notice the outdated sentiment, not when Dean's voice sounded so small and wounded. Before he even let himself think twice about it, his hand was darting forward to cover Dean's, and to his astonishment, the other man didn't pull back. He didn't really react at all, save to give Castiel a questioning, though not accusatory, look.

"Um—it's just…I've dealt with bad shit before, Dean. I'll be okay." He wasn't just bullshitting to put his friend at ease—Castiel knew he'd heal eventually, that it was just going to take a while longer.

He was shaken out of his thoughts when Dean started to slowly draw his hand back, loudly clearing his throat. "Okay, Cas. Just, uh—I'm here, I guess."

Castiel gave a small smile and leaned back in his chair. "Thank you, Dean."

Then, Dean was suddenly getting out of his chair and walking back over to the counter. "Hey, listen, I've actually got some work to do…"

Castiel couldn't help rolling his eyes, standing up with a resigned sigh, hands tightly gripping his still slightly-too-hot mug. "All right. I'm looking for something anyway," he lied smoothly and with that, he was gone, leaving Dean staring after him with wide eyes.

Castiel mulled over the beginning of his morning almost obsessively as he wandered aimlessly around the philosophy section. He was worried that he'd been a bit blunt, but in all honesty he couldn't stand that _look_ he'd seen in Dean's eyes.

Frowning into his mug, Castiel absently pulled out a big hardback about Deism when he saw Dean approaching out of the corner of his eye. "Um, hey," Dean said, his voice and face apologetic.

Castiel carefully pushed the book back in place. "Hey."

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for getting weird earlier."

Castiel felt all his former annoyance dissipate to be replaced by a rush of affection. "It's okay," he chuckled. He looked up to see the question written plainly in Dean's eyes, and answered it smoothly; "Yeah, I'm gay."

Dean was very obviously taken aback by the frank statement. "I didn't—I—look, Cas…" He held his hands out in what Castiel assumed was meant to be peaceful gesture, his eyes searching Castiel's blue ones. "It's just, it's not every day another guy holds my hand."

"Technically speaking, I didn't."

That prompted a nervous laugh out of Dean. "Okay, right, but still. I don't mind, and I'm not going on a big gay witch hunt here, and I'm not here to accuse you of giving me a gay scare, you just, uh, surprised me. Sorry for being an asshole."

"You weren't being an asshole," promised Castiel. "But thank you, for talking to me. That's more than most guy friends of mine have ever done in the past."

"Well, sucks for them. They're missing out." Castiel couldn't help but catch the fierce conviction of Dean's tone, and smiled softly as he started walking toward the main door.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Dean."

"Yeah," Dean said quietly, eyes downcast as Castiel quietly opened the door and let himself out.

Dean spent more time thinking about his morning than he'd ever care to admit, and was already a bit withdrawn as he opened the door to his house. So, when he found himself instantly attacked with a by a flash of red and a tight bear hug, he was even more dumbstruck than he might have been. His bewildered face quickly melted into a happy smile as he hugged the smaller body latched to his and even pressed a kiss to the shock of red hair.

"What are you doing here, Charlie?"

"What do you think, doofus?" Charlie challenged him, pulling away to lightly punch his arm. "Moral support and drinks and stuff, obviously." Her tone was chastising, but her eyes were laughing as they always did, much to Dean's relief. He was unbearably tired of sympathy, and his best friend's untouchable amiability was more than welcome as far as he was concerned.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mary leaning on the wall and smiling at them both. Dean returned it before turning back to Charlie. "So, you said something about drinks?"

Charlie grinned and took his arm. "Yeah, come on! You'll buy me all the weird pink crap I want, right?"

"Always," vowed Dean solemnly with a quick wave to Mary as Charlie rushed them out of the house.

"Cas, I swear to God, I'm really cutting you off now," Gabriel huffed, forcefully pulling the small glass out of Castiel's lax grip.

"You're not my dad," Castiel growled in protest.

"_Cassie_," Gabriel shot back in surprising anger. Castiel tilted his head up a little to find that his brother was actually _fuming_. It was barely detectable, and it was obvious that Gabriel was trying very hard not to let his annoyance get the better of him, but his anger was still there and Cas could see it in his hazel eyes. With a sigh, Gabriel got up from the booth and turned away. "Stay put while I see about getting you some ice water, okay?"

Castiel just waved lazily at him and let his head sink back into his crossed arms. Gabriel frowned and made himself leave him there, albeit reluctantly. When he'd suggested they go out for a drink, he had never imagined his kid brother would get himself into such a state. Gabriel had never been one to resist slipping Cas a sip of his whiskey every now and then, but he always only meant to loosen the kid up a bit. Castiel was always so quiet, even more so after their parents' accident and it was really starting to worry Gabriel, even more than it had before.

But whenever his back had been turned, Castiel would sneak a sip, then a gulp, then many gulps, then a few long draughts, and now here he was, about ready to pass out right here on their table. It wasn't that Castiel was even a drinker—he found most drinks vile-tasting and couldn't stand the pounding headaches, but tonight he'd just lost control. His only consolation was that the gnawing pain in his head didn't leave much room for dwelling over the people he'd lost.

When the heavy metal doors opened he winced and buried his face deeper until his skin was touching the slightly-sticky table surface. He actually groaned when he heard someone suddenly shout, "Cas? Hey, Cas!"

Dean rushed to him with a huge grin on his face, tugging Charlie in tow. "Charlie, this is—shit, man, are you okay?" His tone immediately changed into one of concern as he gently shook Castiel's shoulder.

"'M fine," Castiel mumbled.

"Dude, have you been drinking? C'mon, Cas," Dean sighed, lightly cuffing his shoulder. "You're not exactly supposed to be, kid. You should probably go home and get some beauty sleep."

Castiel finally looked up at him and Dean let out a shaky breath as their eyes locked. Cas' normally bright, keen blue ones were red-rimmed and weary, slightly unfocused and narrowed in unanticipated agitation. "What the fuck is it to you?" he drawled, his voice raspier and lower than usual.

"Look, man, no offense but you look like shit. Who's been buying the drinks?"

"Yeah, what _is _it to you?" an unfamiliar voice asked from behind. Dean and Charlie both turned around to see a short guy with sandy blond hair and irritated hazel slits for eyes glowering at them.

"I'm Dean," Dean answered calmly. "I'm a friend of Cas.' Is he okay?"

"I'll take care of it," the blond guy muttered, shouldering past Dean to get to Castiel. "Hey, we probably should go home, though," Gabriel whispered softly to his little brother. Castiel just glared at him before promptly dropping his head back on the table with a low _thunk. _

Dean winced and heard Charlie suck in a harsh breath, her eyes going wide. "Cas—"

"Look, buddy," the guy snapped, rounding on them with that same death-stare, "I appreciate the concern and all, but he's my kid brother and we don't need any help here."

"You're Gabriel?" asked Dean.

Gabriel raised an eyebrow and darted a look at Cas, who was groaning softly into his arms. "You two actually are friends?"

Dean let out a long sigh and nodded. "Yeah. Now can we please help?"

"I don't need anyone's fucking help," Castiel suddenly growled, slowly raising his head to look at Dean with narrowed eyes. "And I am not a fucking kid." With that, he stumbled to his feet and started for the nearest bathroom, shoving Gabriel's arm roughly out of the way when he tried to stop him.

Gabriel, Charlie, and Dean all practically jumped to follow him but Castiel slammed the door to the men's room in their faces, leaving them all dumbstruck.

"Shit," Gabriel hissed, hands flying to fiddle with the doorknob. "Cassie, come on, please! Just open the door so we can go home."

When Cas didn't answer, Dean felt the blood drain from his face and he covered Gabriel's hands with his own, tugging uselessly at the door. "Cas!"

Finally Gabriel gave up and slipped his hands from underneath Dean's with a loud, distressed, "Fuck!" that made Charlie start. He smiled apologetically at her. "Sorry, dude. Hey, it's looking like he just needs a minute, probably to puke his poor little heart out. Come on, I'll buy you guys a drink for your noble efforts." Gabriel started back to his table, and Charlie reluctantly followed, tugging gently at Dean's sleeve.

"Dean. Come on."

Dean just shook his head. "Lemme try something. I'll probably be over in a minute."

Charlie looked at him, staring so intently at the door as if he could force it to open with his mind if he tried hard enough, and with a worried sigh, left him.

At last Dean let go of the doorknob and sank to the floor, his back pressed to the door. "Hey, Cas? It's just me now. If you're done puking, d'you think I could come in?"

"No," Cas groaned. "Please stop talking so loudly."

"I wouldn't have to if you let me in."

"What do you want?"

"I just wanna make sure you're all right, Cas," Dean answered patiently.

He heard a sigh, then a soft click as Castiel slowly opened the door, his head in his free hand. Dean smiled, gently patted his shoulder and entered the small bathroom. It only had one toilet, hence the lock, and Dean sat down on the floor as far away from it as possible. Castiel joined him on the ground with a wince and a loud moan.

"So maybe sneaking the hard stuff wasn't a great idea after all, huh?" When Castiel didn't reply other than to bury his head in his knees, Dean wrapped an arm loosely around his shoulders. "Your parents?"

"In part," Castiel muttered.

Dean frowned. "In part?"

Cas glowered at him for a moment, then turned away to stare at the tiled floor. "Shut up, Dean."

"Damn, you're a mean drunk," Dean observed with an easy grin. "Do you wanna talk about it before I help your brother drag your ass home?"

Castiel rolled his head to glare at him again, roughly shrugging off his arm. "I'm not a kid," he reminded him angrily.

"I didn't say that. I meant—whatever, you know what I meant. Cas, I know you're not a kid. I would just really feel a whole lot better if we could get you home right about now, so…listen, are you sure you don't need to talk?"

His only answer was more staring, though…something had shifted in Castiel's expression, in his eyes. Dean backed up a little as the boy proceeded to raise a hand to run through the back of his short tawny hair. "Cas, are you okay?"

"Shut up, Dean," growled Castiel once more, and all of a sudden he was surging forward with almost frightening determination and force. Dean instinctively jerked away and gasped a little when he felt Castiel's soft lips crash into his throat.

"Cas, you're drunk," Dean whispered hurriedly as he lightly shoved at Cas' smaller frame. "Don't do that, okay? Just—come on, let's get out of here."

Castiel let out a low, rumbling laugh, almost ugly in its rough, bitter tone. "Just shut up," he murmured, leaning back in and holding Dean in place with one hand at the back of his head while the other one grasped his hip.

Dean really didn't want to push the kid away, so he went for the calm reasoning approach. "Cas, you don't wanna do that. Just stop for a second and think. Jesus, how much did you have, man?"

"Enough," Castiel whispered sloppily. "Dean, I can't—I don't wanna think, that's sort of the point." He leaned in closer, his lips ghosting over Dean's cheek. "All I wanna think about is how pretty you are…"

"Okay, stop," Dean commanded, softly pushing Cas back. Castiel went willingly, as if he were a weightless ragdoll, staring down at Dean with wounded eyes.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," Castiel breathed, his voice so low and shaky Dean wondered if he was about to cry. "I'm so sorry, Dean—"

Before Dean could talk himself out of it, he was carefully wrapping Cas up in his arms, even stroking his messy dark hair. "Shh, it's okay, okay? Just shhh…"

And Castiel just broke down, sinking into Dean's arms and letting his body shake in soft sobs. "I miss—miss them all so much, Dean, you don't even know…"

Dean couldn't think of anything to say to that, so he just held him a little tighter, pressing a hesitant, light kiss to his hair before abruptly pulling away. "Come on, get up." Dean rose to his feet and reached a hand out to Cas, which he took into his own trembling one, lacing their fingers.

With a curt nod to him, Dean opened the door and led Castiel back to Gabriel's table, where he was chugging down a bottle of Coke while Charlie nervously traced a fingertip around her glass of champagne.

In the end, Castiel decided to go home with Gabriel on one condition—that Dean ride in the back seat with him. He couldn't really say why, but the thought of being separated from Dean already seemed incredibly disagreeable.

Dean held Cas' heavy head gently in his lap as Gabriel drove, Charlie's torso turned from where she sat in the passenger's seat so she could face them.

"God, he's so pale…"

"He's fine," Dean assured her, lightly patting Cas' chest and smoothing a wily lock of hair from his forehead. "Or, will be, after a lot of sleep and a lot of crappy food. You gonna let him play hooky tomorrow?" he added to Gabriel.

"You kidding me? I'm probably going to have to tie him to his bed."

Dean chuckled at that and, out of the corner of his eye, saw Charlie smile. By the time they reached the apartment building, it was nearly midnight and Castiel just clung to the hem of Dean's shirt when he reached to open the car door.

"Cas, buddy, we gotta take you to bed."

Castiel shook his head, and with an overdramatic sigh, Dean scooped him up in his arms like a hung-over bride and followed Gabriel inside, Charlie following with a soft laugh. The four of them went into the elevator and then down the bright, winding hall, Castiel wincing and grumbling all the way. Gabriel abruptly stopped them in front of the door at the very end of the hall and quickly unlocked it, and with that Dean got his first look of his and Cas' home.

It was small but nice, quaint almost, thoroughly comfortable and worn like an old t-shirt. On the walls hung many lovely scenic paintings, mostly of forests and the sea, and all the furniture was brightly-coloured and soft-looking.

"His room's over there," Gabriel announced, pointing to a slightly ajar door across from the living room. "Will someone get him in bed while I look for the ibuprofen?"

Dean shrugged and walked over to the room, pushing the door further open with his shoulder while Castiel's head fell out of the crook of his elbow, neck arching painfully. Dean gently set him in the big, fluffy bed and started pulling up his blue comforter when Castiel grabbed his wrist. "Hey," he murmured, looking up at Dean through tired, half-lidded eyes.

Dean gulped before finding his words. "Hey, just take it easy tomorrow, okay, Cas?"

"Kiss me."

Dean slowly pulled his hand away, slowly shaking his head as he looked down at the boy. "That's not what you want."

Castiel gave him a sloppy grin and ran his hands up his arms. "Sure it is. Come closer…"

And for some reason, Dean let Cas sluggishly manhandle him, pulling him in till their faces were only a few inches apart, Cas' blue eyes glazed but still shining in the darkness. "I've seen the way you've been looking at me…" he whispered, spreading his legs under the comforter. Dean just sighed and kissed him softly but firmly on the forehead before he could say anything else, leaving him dumbstruck as he pulled away.

"Goodnight, Cas," Dean said quietly before walking out of the room.

Castiel lifted his head from the pillow to watch him leave before it started pounding with pain, and with that he sank back into the soft bed and everything was black and peaceful for a long time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**(alrighty here's chapter four at last I'm sorry it took me forever and I'm sorry that it's so short and thank you for reading!)**

Gabriel stopped Dean as he was leaving the apartment with a light tap to his shoulder.

"Hey, thanks," he said quietly, nodding in the direction of his little brother's room.

Dean nodded with a small smile and nearly jumped when Charlie seemed to appear out of nowhere to gently take his hand.

Gabriel chuckled and opened the door for them. "I'll take you back to your car."

After Gabriel had given them a ride back to the bar, Dean reached over to clap him on the shoulder before getting out of his little Corvette. "Thanks, man."

Charlie smiled and lightly kissed Gabriel on the cheek, and before Dean knew it they were back in the Impala heading to his mother's house. "So much for a girl's night out," he said dryly.

Charlie laughed as she stared out the window and into the deepening night. "Don't worry about it." After a few moments of silence, she turned to him with a wide grin. "So, are you going to tell me about him?"

Dean cleared his throat and kept staring at the road, his fingers tightening around the steering wheel. "Uh—what do you mean? Cas is a nice kid, comes to the bookstore I'm working at every once in a while."

"Uh-huh. And?"

"And what?" Dean asked with an innocent shrug.

"Come on, what else? And don't you try and deny that there's a what else, because I saw how freaked out you got when you thought he was in trouble and I saw you put him to bed and do everything you could to make sure he was okay. Now spill, Winchester."

Dean gulped and glanced at her a moment as he slowed down for the red light. "I—he—he's…he's real sweet, and quiet," Dean confessed in a low voice, eyes darting back to the road ahead. "He likes plants and stars and when I'm around him all I want is to listen to him talk about…_everything. _I don't think I could ever get tired of listening to him just talking. Charlie, I…I think I like him."

"Well, no shit," Charlie chuckled.

"I mean—I mean want to take him out on a date like him?" Dean mumbled hurriedly.

Charlie's eyes widened and a her mouth spread in an infectious grin.  
"What?" Dean demanded with a nervous laugh.

"I just—well, I just never thought you'd bat for my team, you know?"

"Aw, shut up. It's…it's not really like that. I mean, I've never looked twice at another guy before Cas…it's just him."

"That's so sweet," Charlie cooed, clutching theatrically at her heart. "What about Cas, though? You know what team he's on?"

"Well, yours…"

"Good God, Dean, what are you waiting for?"

Dean gave her a soft smile. "The right words, I guess."

"Cas. You're cute. Go out with me please. Easy!"

"I really don't imagine he'll want to. I mean, I'm just some guy who works at the bookstore. Also, he's…there's an age thing."

Charlie raised an eyebrow. "Really? He didn't seem that young. Maybe twenty-two?"

"He's nineteen…"

"Are you kidding me?" She was quiet for a moment before adding with a slight shrug, "It could be a lot worse, you know. That's what, five years' difference? At least he's out of high school."

"He's probably into guys at school, maybe in his classes or something. I mean, why would he want to go out with me? It's not like we have a whole lot in common—"

"_Dean_," Charlie groaned. "When did you become a thirteen-year-old? Just ask him or so help me God your car's gonna get it."

She laughed at the look on his face all the way home.

Castiel felt like absolute shit the next morning, of course. The moment he regained consciousness, he was groaning and writhing in pain, refusing to get up until it had started to slowly ebb away.

He found his brother sitting in the couch reading the newspaper, which he set aside as soon as he saw Cas leaning on the doorframe, cradling his head in his hand. "Cassie," he started in a voice much too serious for Castiel's taste. "Wanna sit down a second?"

Castiel was suddenly terrified to listen to whatever it was Gabriel needed to say but he took a seat on the couch next to him anyway, cold dread seizing his very bones. "W-what's wrong?" When Gabriel was quiet for just a moment too long, Castiel added frantically, "Oh God, is it—?"

"There's nothing wrong, Cassie," Gabriel assured him gently. Without warning, he got up and walked over to the small table where they ate dinner together, picking up an opened envelope to hand over to Cas.

Cas accepted it warily, his eyes fixed on his brother's anxious expression. "What is it?"

Gabriel gave him a small, sad smile. "It's her, Cassie."

Castiel's face was instantly illuminated by a beautiful, hopeful light in his eyes and he practically tore at the envelope to get at its precious contents.

For a long while, the apartment was silent as Castiel stared intently at the photos, before Gabriel added gently, "There's no note, no return address…"

Castiel looked up at him with too-bright eyes.

"I'm sorry, kid," Gabriel whispered, wrapping his brother's small frame in his arms. Castiel didn't move a muscle for what seemed like hours in a numb stupor.

Dean's head snapped up at the sound of the café door opening, the herald of a hope he hadn't dared to harbor this morning. He'd assumed Cas would stay at home, seeing as it was the weekend, he was hungover, and he probably had homework to catch up on. At least, that's how Dean's weekends during college used to go.

But instead, he grinned like an idiot as he saw Castiel stumble inside, donning a wrinkled shirt and thick, dark sunglasses. Castiel headed straight for the coffee machine as Dean rushed to his side from behind the counter.

"Here, I'll get it, go sit down," he commanded, grabbing Cas' mug and pointing to his usual table. Cas nodded and left Dean to get him a mugful of steaming black coffee before joining him.

"Didn't expect you to drop by today," Dean said with his usual morning cheerfulness.

Castiel gave a small smile and took his glasses off, then wrapped his hands indulgently around the warm mug. "I wanted to see you," he confessed with a little shrug.

Dean's smile somehow brightened as a wave of Charlie's lecture from last night came washing over him. Even after they'd gotten home, she hadn't let up on him. _Just do it, Winchester. Worst thing he can do is say no. You could be missing out on something fantastic. Mainly gay sex, but also love! Like, real love! _

Now, Dean found himself blushing like he was still in middle school and this was the first time he'd ever tried to do what he was about to do. "Uh—hey, Cas…?"

"Yes, Dean?" Castiel asked in that quiet, polite voice with that small but genuine smile that Dean found he couldn't stop thinking about, even when the boy had left the store.

And as Dean looked into weary but bright, keen blue eyes, he gulped and suddenly started desperately searching for a way out. "Uh, last night—you—well, are you okay, now?"

Castiel's face fell, his eyes drifting from Dean to his steaming coffee. "Dean, I'm sorry," he sighed.

That wasn't quite the expected reaction. "What, why?"

"Last night…I tried to make you kiss me, even when you told me to stop. And I don't think I only did it once. I acted…shamefully, and I'm really sorry."

"Oh, that," Dean chuckled. "Dude, we've all done weird shit after getting a little white girl wasted. It's okay, no harm done, promise."

Castiel traced the tip of his finger across the rim of the mug, eyes still downcast. Dean's own gaze wandered to his forehead, where he'd pressed a kiss to the boy's skin last night, and wondered if Cas remembered.

"Cas, um—there's actually something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh?" Castiel finally looked up at him again, head slightly canted in interest.

Dean's tongue darted to wet his suddenly dry lips, his hands unsure of just where to rest on his lap underneath the table. All the while, Castiel stared patiently, quietly at him. "It's—it's just—" _Fuck it. _"Cas, would you like to go out, with—uh—me, sometime?"

Castiel was silent for a while, save for a soft, "Oh." He looked down at his mug again, a delicate pink flush blooming in his skin.

Meanwhile, Dean's mind was frantically reeling. _Oh god oh god why did I do that? I'm such an idiot, if he wanted to go out with me he would've asked—wait, that doesn't make sense, he thinks I'm straight—and I am, but he's…he's _Cas.

At last, Castiel's low voice broke the heavy silence. "Dean, you don't want to go out with me."

Well, that wasn't quite what Dean had been waiting for. "What?"

"It's just…well, first of all, aren't you straight?"

"Usually," Dean answered lamely. "But…Cas, I don't know if you remember, but last night you, uh…mentioned the way I've been looking at you? I think you know, even if it takes sneaking your big brother's whiskey to get you talking about it. I _like _you, and not the way I've ever liked another guy, so…so I want to try this. With you."

"You want to try the gay thing and toss me aside as soon as you're reminded that you don't, in fact, like dick?" Castiel amended quietly.

Dean winced as if he'd hit him. "That's not how it is."

"I've 'tried this' with that guy before, Dean."

"That's _not _it, Cas!" Dean insisted more forcefully, making Castiel fall into abrupt silence, his stoic composure unexpectedly faltering. Taking a deep breath, Dean went on, "I'm not trying to experiment or whatever with dick, Cas. It's not about you being a guy at all, okay? I just want…I just want a chance with you, because I can't stop thinking about you and worrying about you and wanting to know everything about you—"

"Okay."

Dean gulped, his hands flying to the surface of the table with barely enough control to reach out for Cas'. "O-okay?"

"Yes, Dean." Castiel took in a steadying breath and gave him a soft smile. "I…believe you. That you're really okay with…everything. With this…" He let his hand wander across the table to cover Dean's, gently threading their fingers.

Dean looked down at their hands with wide eyes but nodded, and Cas' smile slightly widened. He then got up out of his chair, walked over to Dean, and leaned down to press a light kiss to his temple. "And that?"

Dean let out a soft sigh at his low, silky voice, and surprised them both by leaning into the touch. "Yeah…"

At that, he felt a gentle hand caress the side of his neck before sliding down his arm, and at last cup his hip. Dean turned to look at Cas, eyes falling to the other man's slightly parted lips.

"And this?" asked Castiel, his voice barely hovering over a whisper.

Dean just looked up at him and nodded once, and then all he knew was that Cas was leaning further and further into his personal space until their mouths were inches apart, hesitating only for a heartbeat before surging forward to kiss him. His lips were full and plush, maybe a little dry, but to Dean they felt simply divine against his, and, thankfully, not the least bit terrifying. He closed his eyes and melted into it, one hand moving to link with the one Cas had placed on his waist while the boy's free fingers started tangling in his hair.

It seemed to go on for ages, even though no one parted their lips or tried to drive their kiss into something else. They just rested against each other, occasionally pulling slightly back to have the other playfully chase them till they were pressed comfortably together again. Yet, when Castiel finally backed away, it seemed that it had only been a second, and Dean felt almost frantic to pull him back in.

Cas smiled down at him, affectionately smoothing his hair. "I'm glad you made me wait for that." Dean just stared, dumbstruck and breathless, back up at him.

With a soft laugh, Cas bent down to kiss his forehead before starting for the front door, his coffee and sunglasses long forgotten. "You'll pick me up from the apartment at seven tomorrow night. But then I get to pay for dinner, if we decide we want to go for dinner—" He was cut off when Dean got up, wrapped an arm around his waist, and kissed his cheek, then his neck, unwilling to let Cas walk away already.

"Tomorrow," Castiel chuckled and turned his head so that Dean could press their lips together once more. After a few more moments of soft sighs and gentle hair tugging and pressing Cas against the door, Castiel finally pulled off with a hearty, blissful laugh and gave Dean one last brief peck, as if to seal everything that had happened here. "I promise, you can have more tomorrow," he assured Dean softly, cradling his face in his hands. And before Dean knew it, could react, could respond in any way, he was gone again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

**(oh gosh so sorry it's been so long :( but i promise there will be an update within a few days!) **

To Gabriel's surprise, Castiel came home with a soft smile on his face, an almost dazed look to his half-closed eyes as he leaned against the front door after quietly shutting it. He even let out a small sigh.

"Holy shit, man, what did you do today, discover a new bird?" Gabriel demanded to know as Castiel finally peeled his body away from the door to slump on the couch next to his brother. This had become a relaxed routine between them—Gabriel and Castiel came home from work and school, usually exhausted, and spent at least half an hour on that couch talking (well, it was mostly Gabriel talking) about their day before someone got up to order takeout or cook dinner.

Castiel shook his head, that same, satisfied little smile playing at his lips. "I have a date," he finally confessed.

Gabriel's eyes widened. "Really? I didn't think you were in a…dating mood. Since…"

Cas huffed out a small laugh. "What do you think I do when you're out clubbing with your friends?"

That made Gabriel let out a terrified little squeak and jump off of the couch. "You—wait, _you've_ been getting some? _You_? You're a dork!"

Castiel shrugged innocently. "I don't see why you're so upset. I never bring anyone home if I think you'll be here." His eyes darted over to Gabriel's now-vacant cushion with a raised eyebrow. "And I haven't done anything too terrifying on the couch."

"_Too_ terrifying? Ew!"

Castiel just laughed at him as he rushed to his bathroom for a scalding shower.

* * *

Dean's fingers couldn't stop tapping the steering wheel as he drove over to the apartment building to pick up Cas, his friend—no, his _date. _He still could barely believe this was happening, that he was taking a guy out on a date, and that said guy agreed to said date in the first place. That's not to say Dean was freaking out, just nervous. What if they ended up having a really boring night and Cas never wanted to go out with him again? What if all of a sudden he saw something in Dean he didn't like?

That's why when Dean finally showed up at the door after Castiel had buzzed him in, his fingers were indecisively working their way in and out of his pockets, tapping lightly on the rough denim of his pants.

Finally—too soon—Castiel opened the door, and Dean felt his breath hitch. "You're beautiful," he blurted out without thinking about it, like Cas' sudden appearance had just punched it out of him. And he was, wearing a black button-up that looked gorgeous against his pale gold skin, but that wasn't what made Dean's blood start rushing all throughout his body. Castiel was smiling as if his features didn't have a different setting at all, everything in his face indicating honest happiness and pleasure.

Pleasure that_ Dean _was here. The very thought made Dean's eyes widen as he took the other man's smooth, almost delicate hand in his, gently pulling him out of the apartment and into a soft kiss. He indulgently pressed his tongue against Cas' smile, and suddenly Cas was opening up to him and their tongues were dancing, teeth were gently clashing, and all too soon Dean pulled away. "What was that for?" Castiel chuckled.

Dean shrugged with a sheepish smile and led him down the hallway and into the elevator in companionable silence, excitement and nervousness buzzing even more insistently in his veins.

Castiel laced their fingers snugly together as the cool night air met his skin, grinning like an idiot when Dean opened the passenger door for him. "Thank you," he said with a sweet peck to Dean's cheek before getting in. Dean, meanwhile, silently thanked God it was nighttime and there was a chance Cas couldn't see his furious blush.

"So where are we going?"

Dean shrugged again and looked over at him with a mumbled, "Wherever you want," before starting the car.

"May I buy you dinner at this little Italian place by my school?"

"Thank God," Dean chuckled. "I can never find a date who takes initiative like that. I never have good ideas, and no one else ever wants to pick either."

"A word of warning, though—if you choose to designate me as our activities director, I will only say dinner and possibly a stroll in the park by my apartment."

"Park?" Dean echoed with a wide grin. "I could go for that. I'm not particularly adventurous either."

Cas' own smile softened and grew more contemplative, and as Dean backed out of the parking lot he leaned over kiss the other man's lightly stubble-dusted jaw. "I didn't say I wasn't adventurous, Dean," he purred, making Dean almost jump in the driver's seat. Castiel sat back with an unexpectedly loud laugh.

But Dean was busy staring at him silently with heavy-lidded eyes. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet and slightly ragged. "Y-yeah, Cas?"

"Watch the road, Dean," Cas commanded him softly. As Dean turned away, he leaned over again to kiss his warm neck. "And let me buy you dinner first," he added against Dean's skin, coaxing a soft sigh from him.

Soon, Dean was parking the Impala in front of a small, unassuming restaurant, dim gold lights glowing in the little square windows. Dean opened the door for Cas, took his hand, and led him inside, where they were greeted by an amiable waitress and shown to a cushiony-looking red booth.

Dean couldn't help noting how Castiel slipped into the booth with his usual, effortless grace, gently taking the menu from the smiling waitress with delicate hands. "So what can I get you to drink?" she asked in an almost dreamy voice, her eyes still glued on Cas. Dean couldn't really say he blamed her.

"Just water, I think," Dean replied without really thinking about it, having found the way Cas' brow slightly furrowed as he looked at the menu far too distracting.

Abruptly Cas' concentrated expression melted into a small smile as he looked up to tell the waitress, "Pink lemonade, please," which caused a bright blush to rise in her cheeks as she jotted their requests onto her notepad and scuttled away with a wide, nervous grin.

"Think she likes you," noted Dean with a small smirk, but on the inside he could feel apprehension coil in his gut once more.

Castiel looked after the waitress with a mildly confused expression and turned back to Dean with a shrug. "She's a woman."

"You're a man," Dean reminded him quietly, eyes downcast.

Castiel smiled gently at him and reached his arm out on the table, palm up, a silent invitation that Dean eagerly accepted, threading their fingers tightly together. "Yes, and I'm here with you, Dean. I can't imagine giving anyone else a second glance tonight."

"I—I'm sorry," Dean mumbled. "I…"

"Everything's okay, Dean." Cas lightly squeezed his hand. "There's nothing to worry about regarding this evening, all right?"

With that, Dean felt his body start to relax, the tension in his neck and the nagging worry melt away. Castiel didn't take his hand back until the waitress came back with their drinks, and after a first few small sips, reached for Dean again.

Dean chuckled but happily obliged as the companionable, easy silence went on, Cas looking at his menu in what appeared to be deep thought while Dean busied himself with studying the boy's soft, downright pretty features.

Within about ten minutes, Castiel had ordered a boring plate of spaghetti and meatballs, Dean two slices of pizzas, extra bell peppers. He really wanted extra onions, too, but if he wanted more of that gorgeous, plush mouth (which he knew he desperately did) he figured he'd be better off without.

Only when they were halfway through their meals did Castiel speak up. "I'm glad you managed to talk me into this," he admitted.

"I am, too, Cas," murmured Dean, an annoying blush crawling up his neck.

Cas smiled and turned his attention back to his spaghetti, but Dean couldn't really say he minded. Silence with this weird, beautiful kid was never awkward or strained, just comfortable, as if Cas knew his mere presence could still send nerves pricking at Dean's skin.

When they had finished eating, Castiel waved the waitress over with his polite, unobtrusive smile (which she returned with a red flush in her cheeks and a hardly-concealed dazed look to her pretty brown eyes) and paid for their bill, then the tip, ignoring Dean's ardent protests. "Really, Cas, you already got dinner—"

"And this counts as part of dinner, does it not? If I let you buy me some ice cream from the place next door will you stop whining?"

* * *

Indeed, Dean couldn't find anything in the world worth whining over when he found himself in the middle of the park, the only light coming from the full moon and stars shining through the ceiling of oak leaves, laughing as Cas managed to soil his whole chin in vanilla ice cream. "Here, let me," Dean snorted, reaching over with the intentions of wiping Cas' chin clean with his sleeve. Cas only recoiled and frowned when Dean's forgotten and quickly melting chocolate ice cream started to spill from the cone and slide down his arm.

"You're making a mess," the boy fretted, eyes fixated on the treacherous chocolate foe.

Dean raised an eyebrow and examined his sticky arm, and with a shrug quickly licked the rest of the ice cream until his cone was empty, wiping halfheartedly at the damage with his clean sleeve.

"You've ruined your shirt, Dean," accused Cas.

"Yeah, and you ruined your face," Dean replied pleasantly, and finally couldn't help swooping in close to gently kiss and lick his skin clean, coaxing the most beautiful giggle Dean had ever heard from him, all grumpiness promptly melting away.

"Aw, get off of me," Cas whined theatrically, but he was wearing a grin just as wide and sappy as the one plastered on Dean's face. Dean's only reply was to finally kiss his mouth, hands sliding to his slim waist to pull him in closer.

And Castiel let him, smiling when he felt Dean's tongue glide over the seam of his lips, a silent request for entry that he was all too happy to indulge. He had no idea how long they stood there in the middle of the little park, kissing lazily but nonetheless eagerly, their ice cream cones long forgotten and dropped unceremoniously onto the ground.

Eventually Cas' thoughts drifted back to why he'd brought Dean here in the first place, and with a resigned sigh (which Dean mistook for one of pleasure and abandon, responding with a low moan and fingers tightening into Cas' waist) reluctantly pulled back. Dean let out a tiny whine.

"Hey, let's find a bench," Cas murmured, giving Dean a fond smile when his green eyes widened and he eagerly took his wrist.

They soon found a little wooden bench and Cas sank into Dean's lap, allowing himself another minute (or five) of warm, wet kisses and soft keening noises and sweet oblivion before pulling away again. Dean only moved his mouth down to suck the side of his neck as he made half-hearted attempts to push him away. "D-Dean—" Castiel murmured. "Dean, hold on, baby, we should talk."

At last, Dean pulled back, his face bright red. "Baby—?" he echoed, his voice little more than a surprised breath, but Cas had to cut him off.

"Listen to me, Dean," he began, blue eyes locked uncompromisingly in Dean's. "I want this to…I'm serious about you, and if this is going to keep going there's something I think you should know."

"Okay, Cas," Dean whispered, eyes wide at his suddenly serious tone. When Cas didn't keep going, he raised a hand to gently cup his face, smiling when Cas leaned into the touch. "Go on," he prompted gently.

Castiel closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm a…I have a daughter," he finally confessed in a hushed voice.

Dean sucked in a quiet gasp and waited patiently for Cas to elaborate. "I—I had her back in high school with my best friend, Daphne." He opened his eyes but didn't bring them up to meet Dean's again; instead he stared down at his lap, and Dean could've sworn he saw a tear glint in the bright moonlight. "It was her birthday, and we…we went out to a bar with fake IDs and got more drunk than I'd ever and have ever been in my life. And then we went back to her house, and her parents were out, they were always out—we were both virgins, and in our…state, we decided it would be very interesting to see whether or not I was sure I was gay. And we made love," Castiel concluded in a soft voice with a tiny, sad smile. "I think I really fell in love with her, Dean. That's why…why I understood how you could want me, even if you preferred women."

Dean felt his heart start to sink, but gave a silent nod.

"When we found out Daphne was pregnant, I put everything on hold. I barely paid any mind to my classes in favour of working, I forgot about the book I had been writing altogether…I was more than prepared to change all of my ideas I had about my future in order to accommodate Daphne and our child as permanent fixtures in my life. I wanted to do everything right, I tried so hard, but…but…" Here his voice started to break. "Her parents were having none of it. They were livid enough when I came out as gay, but then I just had to turn around and knock their daughter up? Not to mention the fact that Daphne was supposed to be devoting every moment of her life to getting into an Ivy League school, to become a surgeon of some sort…I wrecked it all. And, according to them, I turned her against her own family as well as their wishes for her. Daphne herself never blamed me, for whatever reason. I really think she was even happy. We were gonna be a family; maybe a little too early, but we could work around it. We could manage. God, did she make me believe it, want it with everything I had…"

Castiel fell silent, shoulders slumped and eyes downcast. "Hey," Dean whispered, leaning forward to lightly kiss his temple, wanting desperately to offer comfort even though his heart was twisting in its own pain. "Where are they, Cas? Daphne and your little girl?"

When Castiel answered, his voice was barely audible. "There was a car accident, a couple of months after the baby was born. D-Daphne is dead."

"Jesus, Cas," Dean gasped. "I'm—"

"I think they somehow blame me for that, too. After the funeral, they took our girl and moved away. I haven't seen her since. Every once in a while, they feel guilty enough to send a picture or two, but never more than that. They don't want the _fag_—" Dean winced at the harsh bite of Cas' voice— "that ruined their daughter's life to be their granddaughter's father."

"…God…" Dean said hollowly.

Cas sighed and suddenly got up, his back turned to him. "You should find someone who doesn't have as much shit to deal with, Dean. Certainly someone without a kid."

"No, I shouldn't, Cas," Dean said firmly, standing up so he could wrap his arms around the boy's slim frame._ God, he's not a boy, though. He's a man, and he's a _dad.

Cas couldn't help melting into the embrace, inhaling Dean's comforting scent and nuzzling the other man's shoulder. "Thank you," he sighed. He honestly couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Everyone has shit they have to deal with, Cas. But I chose you, understand?"

"Yes."

* * *

"My brother is out with friends tonight," Castiel said as they pulled up to the apartment building once more. "He…will be for quite some time."

Dean raised an eyebrow at him before hurriedly parking the Impala. "You inviting me upstairs, Cas?"  
Castiel just smiled and leaned forward to brush a light kiss against his neck. "A general rule of thumb, Dean; when my brother is not home, your presence is very welcome, perhaps even demanded, upstairs, understand?"

With a gulp, Dean nodded.


	6. Chapter 6

**(thank you so much for the sweet feedback and thank you, as always, for reading in the first place :3 i love you. again, so sorry for the wait. summer homework ugh)**

Dean felt a warm buzz of anticipation rushing through his veins as Cas led him upstairs and to the door. He held onto Cas' waist the whole time, his nails digging into the hem of his shirt, needing to ruck it up to reach Castiel's skin and yet resisting. Dean wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do here, as much as he wanted Cas.

Somehow picking up on his nervousness, Castiel turned to face him before opening the apartment door and gently cupped the side of his neck. "It's okay, Dean. We can go slow, and we're not gonna do anything you don't want to."

_I don't know what I wouldn't wanna do, _he almost said, but the words stuck in his throat and all he could do was nod. Castiel gave him a soft smile before finally opening the door with a faint click. The first thing Dean noticed was that the lights were off, and somehow it made him feel a little more at ease. Now Cas wouldn't be able to see his stupid blushing, his wide, almost scared eyes. He'd never acted like this before, had never made this big a fuss over the prospect of sleeping with someone, but with Cas, of course, everything was completely new territory and he was petrified of messing up already.

In the middle of all his musings, Dean lost all sense of where Cas was, not even noticing when warm cotton-clad hips escaped his grasp. He let out a surprised little gasp when he felt warm lips brushing against the back of his neck. "What's wrong, Dean?"

"N-nothing, why would you think-"

"We don't have to do anything, you know. I won't be upset if you just wanna go to sleep."

For a split second, Dean actually considered it. But then he turned his head just the tinniest bit, just enough for a wave of Cas' scent-laundry detergent, Irish Spring, toothpaste, old books-to wash over him and before allowing himself a moment to think Dean was kissing him as deep as this angle would allow, letting out a soft whimper when Cas' teeth lightly pressed into his bottom lip.

"Please-" Dean found himself gasping when Cas pulled away to start mouthing insistently at his neck.

"Shh, Dean," Castiel cooed, and without warning scooped Dean up in his arms to carry him to his room like a blushing bride.

Dean couldn't resist releasing the laugh bubbling up inside him. "How the fuck are you that strong? You're a scrawny nineteen-year-old."

"And you're not all that heavy," Cas countered, nuzzling Dean's neck with a happy hum. Within moments, Dean felt Cas gently set him down on his plush bed, and Dean wrapped his arms tightly around him, pressing their bodies close.

"How did we not bump into anything?" murmured Dean with a quiet chuckle, but Cas' only answer was a soft moan as his mouth found Dean's neck again. Dean craned it to give him even more skin to suck his marks into, the very idea sending a thrill racing up his spine. But then Cas was growing more bold, his mouth moving down to bite at Dean's collarbone while his knee rose to wedge in between his thighs-

"How're we doing this?" Dean blurted out, and instantly regretted it when Cas paused in his actions, even sat up to look down at him. Dean shivered-he hadn't realized the room was so cold without Cas' warm weight pressing down on him.

"Like I said, I won't ask you to do anything you're not okay with. Just tell me what you want, Dean," he added, his voice growing softer, enticing, his hands slowly dragging up and down Dean's thighs.

Dean breathed out a ragged sigh, arching his back at the simple touch. "Y-you, please, Cas..."

Finally, Castiel leaned down again to press a warm kiss to his lips before rolling off of him and onto his back. Dean followed, completely covering Cas' lithe body with his own, chasing desperately after his mouth. When their lips found each other again, Castiel's opened up for him with a soft moan that Dean eagerly swallowed up, all the while gasping as Cas gently rolled his hips up, sending pressure and the rough drag of denim rubbing against Dean's suddenly aching cock.

Cas' head moved to its side, his chest heaving as he panted out hot breathes into the pillow. "Holy shit, Dean-"

"What?" Dean gasped, mouthing gently at his neck.

Castiel's hands wandered up his back to grasp his shoulders. "Need you inside me," he explained breathlessly with a soft kiss to the tip of Dean's nose.

A warm thrill washed over Dean's whole body and he nodded with wide eyes. "O-okay." Then, he placed a hot, open kiss to Cas' neck before sitting up to start tugging at Cas' shirt. "God, get these off-"

Cas grinned and sat up, too, hands quickly flying to unbutton the shirt. Dean, however, grew impatient and decided it would be a good idea to rip it apart, sending the buttons flying in all directions. They barely noticed it as another kiss consumed them, their hands roaming more freely and more desperately now. Dean felt as if he were in a wild dream, and only found himself waking up when his hand brushed against the hard bulge in Cas' pants.

He'd told himself he wouldn't get weird over this, but before he knew it his hand was sheepishly retracting, running down Cas' thigh instead. Cas gently caught his wrist, looking up at him with his usual intense gaze shining through the dizzy haze of lust. "Is it a problem?" he asked softly.

That small, resigned voice immediately made Dean want to punch himself. "No," he growled, leaning back down to kiss his neck. "Please-go get the lights."

Castiel cocked his head in confusion but reluctantly slipped out from under Dean to obey, washing the room bright but soft golden light.

Dean got up and and approached him slowly, drinking in his appearance as if seeing him for the first time. "What is it, Dean?" Dean just shook his head with a small, fond smile and kissed him again, one hand slowly moving down Cas' smooth chest while the other squeezed his waist, fingers digging into the denim. When his hand found Cas' cock again, it stayed there, lightly squeezing it through his pants until Cas let out a faint whimper. Even then, Dean couldn't feel scared anymore. Instead, he pressed his hand against the hard bulge till Cas groaned, then finally started shoving his pants down.

Within a moment, Castiel's jeans were pooled around his ankles, soon followed by his boxers. He kept his eyes locked on Dean the whole time, suddenly terrified. But at the sight of the other man's cock, Dean only let out a soft sigh and kissed the blush rising in Cas' collarbone, his hand moving back down to curl around the hot flesh. "You're so beautiful, Cas," he moaned into his skin, making Cas sigh softly. He'd never been called beautiful by his lovers before. Hot and pretty, sure, but never...

"Then get me back in bed and make love to me."

Dean smiled and suddenly scooped Cas up in his arms, just as Cas had done him, and plopped him back onto the mattress. However, Dean didn't join him till he'd peeled his own shirt off, tossing it aside and quickly moving on to his own pants. As his fingers dug into the waistband, they were joined by Castiel's pale, graceful ones, and together with soft laughter they pulled Dean's jeans down past his thighs. Then Cas' hands were roaming to cup Dean's ass and pulling him into bed.

Dean went willingly, kissing Cas' neck and shoulders and cheeks like he'd never be able to get his fill of the soft, pale skin. He didn't even notice when his own boxers were sliding down to join his jeans, bunched up at his ankles till he finally remembered to kick them away. And then all he could think about was the too-hot sensation of his cock brushing, then pressing against Cas'. When Cas' hand wrapped around them both, he couldn't hold back a needy whine. Cas only chuckled and lightly pecked his cheek, but Dean was suddenly overcome with the almighty need to fuck slowly into the heated pressure, back arching and hands clawing into the sheets.

"I'll get myself ready," Cas gasped, brushing a kiss against Dean's sweat-damp brow. Dean whimpered at the very thought of leaving the embrace of Cas' hand and cock, but Cas wasn't budging, and gently rolled Dean off of him. "I need it now," he explained in a ragged whisper before leaning over to his nightstand.

Dean watched with wide eyes, his hands stubbornly clinging to Cas' waist. "Let me do it," he pleaded softly.

Castiel turned back face him with a raised eyebrow. "I...I didn't think you'd exactly be all over that your first time-"

Dean scooted in closer, wrapping his arms tightly around Cas' stomach and pulling him so their bodies were flush together again. "Please, Cas-wanna know all of you, wanna feel all of you," he panted, placing sloppy kisses to every inch of skin in reach.

Cas melted into his touches, and nodded with a quiet moan. "Okay," he whispered breathlessly, and handed Dean the small bottle and condom he'd fished from the nightstand.

Dean sat up and all but grabbed them from his hand, hastily taking the condom out and rolling it onto his flushed cock, and then paused. "Uh-so, how exactly...?"

Cas looked up at him with bright, excited eyes. "Just a couple is fine."

Dean nodded, bit his lower lip, nodded again, and settled in between Cas' legs, hooking one of them over his shoulder. He lightly kissed Castiel's inner thigh, drawing a shaky sigh from the younger man. Somehow the sound helped calm him down a little as he started to cover his fingers with lube, looking up at Cas again and nuzzling against his lower stomach as he lightly pressed his forefinger to his entrance. Cas sighed and relaxed against the gentle pressure, silently begging for more. The very thought that Cas wanted so bad for him to fill him up went straight to Dean's already painful hard-on as he slowly fucked his finger further into Cas, coaxing out a wrecked whimper when he drew it out again.

"Dean, please-" Castiel's strained voice was cut off by his own deep groan when he felt two fingers bury themselves inside of him, one of them lightly brushing against his prostate. Dean didn't even have a chance to start scissoring them, gently spreading Cas even more, before Cas was suddenly clawing at his arms and shoulders. "_Now. _Please-fuck-_now._"

With a shuddering moan, Dean moved back up, his hips pressing against Cas' thighs as he bent down to kiss his throat. Castiel's hand came to grip the back of his hair, holding him close as Dean started lightly pressing the head of his cock to his entrance. "Cas, are-you sure this won't hurt or-?"

"Please," Cas repeated in that desperate, wrecked whisper, and all Dean couls do in response was to move forward, slowly but insistently, till he was fully sheathed inside the tightest heat he'd ever felt in his life. Cas groaned and pulled them even closer together, their bodies completely flushed from chest to waist, before peppering Dean's shoulder with feather-light kisses and commanding him to move in a soft murmur.

But when Dean did, even he could feel that he was letting himself be overwhelmed, both by the sensations and the knowledge he was _having sex with a man_. His thrusts were sharp and brief, his mind already drifting away as the feeling of Cas so tight around him took it over.

He only woke from his stupor when he felt Cas' hand harshly slap his ass, and opened his eyes to find blue ones blazing up at him. "Dean, you're fucking me," Castiel hissed.

"I-uh-well, _yeah, _Cas-"

He was silenced by another smack and let out a surprised whimper, then a low moan as Castiel's hands moved to tightly grip his waist, slowly pushing Dean out of him and pulling him back in. "_Fuck _me," Cas ordered, his voice now a silky purr. And Dean happily obeyed, his thrusts more gradual and smooth, drawing out wrecked sighs and moans from both of them. Soon, too soon, Dean felt sharp heat coil inside of him as his movements hastened once more. Cas, meanwhile, was too far gone already to chastise him again, as Dean's thrusts remained long and deep, till it seemed to them both that their flushed bodies had fused as one.

"Dean, touch me," Castiel gasped. "Please, need-to feel you everywhere-"

"Shh, Cas," Dean whispered, placing a reverent kiss on his red-flushed neck as his hand reached in between them to wrap firmly around Cas' over-heated cock.

Castiel whimpered when his hand started stroking him in time with the harsh but drawn-out snaps of Dean's hips. Soon Dean was trembling, aching for release.

Suddenly, Cas sat up and wrapped his arms tightly around Dean's shaking form, making them both hiss at the new angle. "Come," Cas whispered, nuzzling insistently at his neck. "Please come, Dean-"

And then Dean was arching his back, holding Cas so tight his fingers would leave bruises in the perfect skin, groaning Cas' name as the ruthless wave of euphoria hit him, making him spill and pulse inside the unbelievably tight heat.

Castiel followed a heartbeat later, gasping and writhing underneath Dean's body as he came into his fist.

Green eyes locked into blue as they slowly came back down, panting and sighing. Dean couldn't bring himself to pull out or stop clinging to Cas just yet, and they took a few more moments to savour this closeness, this utterly whole feeling of being joined so intimately together. Somewhere outside, a nightingale softly sang as Dean leaned down to kiss Cas' flushed, slightly parted lips.


	7. Chapter 7

**(why are you guys so nice to me oh my gosh thank you so much! here, have more porn before we go back into emotional things)**

Dean didn't even realize he was humming until Cas propped his chin on his chest, peering up at him quizzically. "What?" Dean asked softly. His voice was careful, barely over a whisper, as if there was some spell still hanging in the air and any obtrusive sound could shatter it.

Cas wrinkled his nose. "Is that Over the Hills and Far Away?"

A bright smile stretched across Dean's sleepy face. "Might be. So you listen to Zeppelin?"

"My parents did," Castiel murmured, his gaze dropping. Dean frowned and leaned over to kiss his forehead, coaxing a little smile from him.

They lapsed into a short silence before Cas abruptly sat up, his eyes twinkling with mischief and excitement once more. "I want you to sing for me, Dean."

Dean barked out a laugh. "Uh-you sure?"

Cas nodded solemnly. "Of course. That's why I ordered you to."

Dean gulped as another sharp spike of anticipation crawled down his spine. "O-okay." He quickly cleared his throat. "Um-_hey lady, you've got the love I need...maybe more than enough..._Cas, I'm horrible-"

Cas smirked and nipped at his shoulder, making Dean yelp. "If you keep going, I think you'll like the result. If not..."

"_Oh darlin', darlin', darlin',_" Dean crooned slightly more enthusiastically, reaching to grasp Cas' narrower shoulders as the younger man started a slow trail of kisses down his chest. "_Walk a while with me, oooh you've got so much...s-so much..._" His breath abruptly hitched when he felt Cas' hot tongue flick over his nipple, then the other, harder and harder with each desperate little noise that escaped Dean's throat.

Castiel sent him an almost feral grin before lightly clamping his teeth on the pink bud, making Dean's back arch with a drawn-out groan. With that, he pulled away. "I didn't tell you to stop, Dean."

"S-sorry," Dean panted, his mind frantically searching for the rest of the lyrics. "_Many have I loved, and many times been bitten, many times I've gazed a-along..._"

"Whatever I do, you're not supposed to stop," Castiel reprimanded him more gently as his hand started a slow, languid rhythm up and down Dean's cock.

"_The open road,_" Dean gasped out, one hand scrambling to find Cas' free one. Castiel laced their fingers with a soft smile and slightly sped up his strokes. "_Many times I've lied, and many times I've listened, many times I've wondered how much there is to know..."_

Cas placed a gentle kiss on his chest, then nuzzled his way down to Dean's stomach with a fond sigh. When his breath just barely ghosted on the pink head of his cock, Dean let out a shuddering gasp. "Keep going," Cas ordered firmly.

Dean nodded, his hands tightening on Cas' shoulders. "_Many dreams come true and some have silver linings, I live for my dream and a pocketful of go-gold-_Cas!" Dean couldn't hold back the rough cry as Cas' lips just barely wrapped around the head, tongue laving at the tip. Cas just looked up at him with wide, almost innocent eyes.

Thankfully, Dean took the hint. "_Mellow is the man who knows what he's been missing, many, many men can't see the open road..._"

Slowly, too slowly, Castiel took Dean further and further into that perfect, sinful mouth, till Dean was practically sobbing out the rest of the song and trying hard not to buck wildly into the wet heat. "_Many is a word that only leaves you guessing, guessing 'bout a thing you really ought to know, ooooh, oooh, oooh..._"

Finally, Cas started to bob his head, sucking hard and fast as Dean's nails dug helplessly into his flushed skin. Suddenly he pulled off, making Dean let out a pathetic whine. "Cas-"

Cas' gaze was heavy and dark with lust as he pressed a kiss to Dean's hip. "Move," he commanded in a low growl.

Before Dean could react in any way other than to make a tiny squeak at the back of his throat, Cas was taking him into his mouth with a quick but fluid motion, clawing at his thigh when he didn't move fast enough. Dean whined again and let his hips slowly shudder upwards. "Oh my-fuck, Cas-"

"_Sing_," Cas moaned around his cock.

"_You-you really ought to know, ooh, ooh..._Oh-! Cas, stop, I'll-" Dean tugged desperately at his dark hair, but Cas only growled around him in response, and with that Dean was spilling into his mouth, pulling his hair ruthlessly and gasping out his name in a choked-off cry.

Cas greedily swallowed it all, then kissed a slow, fond trail from the root to tip of Dean's spent cock.

"You've a lovely voice," he murmured hoarsely, a lazy smile tugging at his lips as he nuzzled the curled hairs at his crotch.

Dean ran a gentle hand through his abused scalp. "Hey," he said shakily. "Come up here."

Castiel's smile widened as he scooted up to settle in his lap, reverently stroking his sides. Dean returned it with a sleepy grin and sat up so he could wrap his arms around him, kissing all over his face and hair and lastly his mouth, while his hand reached down to gently curl around Cas' own neglected cock. "So damn beautiful Cas...so perfect..."

Castiel whimpered and clutched at him as his strokes grew more surefooted and gradually found a slow, steady rhythm. "Dean-"

"Shh, baby bird," Dean whispered, dipping his head to nuzzle and kiss the crook of his neck. "Come on, sweetheart..."

With a sharp gasp, Cas found himself blissfully flying over the edge, riding his orgasm out in Dean's rough but loving hand and kissing his sweat-damp hair.

After, they settled back into the mattress still wound tightly in each other's arms and legs, lazily kissing and smiling until peaceful sleep finally washed over them.


	8. Chapter 8

**(as always, thank you so much for reading! now, before we get down and dirty i have a few warnings for this one-we're getting back into emotions and plot, but then more porn and i think i should make it clear that they're being rough but it IS completely consensual)**

Dean woke up to a warm body trying to pry itself away from his arms.

He just held on tighter to Cas' frame, making the younger man chuckle and kiss his hair. "Good morning, Sleepy Beauty. You gonna let go any time soon?"

Dean just shook his head and nuzzled the crook of his soft neck.

"Dean," Castiel chided, though he was still smiling at him. "Don't you want breakfast?"

Dean shook his head again. "Want _you._"

"I'll be back soon, baby."

"_No_," Dean whined, squeezing him tighter. Castiel sighed and leaned in to nip sharply at Dean's neck till Dean yelped and loosened his grip.

"I'll be back soon," he repeated softly, kissing the reddening patch of skin before getting up and leaving Dean alone in the room. Dean let out an unhappy groan and snuggled in the comforters in an attempt to reclaim sleep. Of course, now that Cas was gone all he felt was cold and alone and unable to find that pleasant, sleepy haze, so with a sigh he got up, pulled on some boxers, and walked out into the living room.

He was too tired to notice that Gabriel hadn't come home that night, or that he'd accidentally slipped on Cas' slightly smaller boxers, as he stumbled into the couch. He rubbed his eyes hard with the heels of his hands, and soon enough his more-focused gaze wandered onto the array of photos sprawled on the coffee table.

In each one there was a little girl, no older than two years or so, with a wide smile and dimples and blue ribbons in her dark, wavy hair. Her eyes were huge, always staring right into the camera with an intensity that made Dean chuckle, and it seemed that they couldn't quite decide what colour they wanted to be. In the pictures with more sunlight shining on her happy little face, her eyes seemed to be bluish-green, but in dimmer lighting they were undoubtedly Cas' deep blue.

He was still gingerly holding the pictures and staring at them when Cas wandered into the living room, two mugs of steaming coffee in hand. When he saw what Dean was doing, however, he stopped in his tracks. After a pause, he said softly, "That's my daughter, Belle."

"God, she's gorgeous, Cas," Dean breathed, finally setting the pictures back down.

"Well, her mother was," Cas murmured with a fond smile.

Dean scoffed at him and motioned for him to come sit next to him. When he did, Dean wrapped his arms tightly around him and eagerly kissed his neck. "And _you_ still are," Dean amended passionately.

Cas shrugged, his eyes glued to the pictures now sitting once more on the tabletop. "She has my colours, I guess, but I think she'll grow to have Daphne's features." Suddenly he fell silent, and his eyes dropped to the ground.

"Hey," Dean whispered and lightly kissed his temple. "Are you all right?"

"...I just...I just started to wonder, if I'll ever see whether she grows up with Daphne's face or not. I wonder when her grandparents will finally just stop sending pictures altogether. They steadily grow less and less frequent..."

Dean frowned, holding him closer and tighter and peppering his face with feather-light kisses. "Shh, baby bird, it's okay..."

"It hurts so much just to think about her, and it's their fault. I _hate _them for it."

"Shhh, honey," Dean pleaded. He wanted to be able to hear all this, but he wasn't, he was at a loss, he had no idea how to comfort Cas other than to hold him tight.

Castiel's body stiffened, straightened, and he turned to give Dean an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean couldn't help the relief that washed over him, but he didn't want Cas to feel like he couldn't talk to him about this. "Cas, I-you don't have to be sorry. This is really shitty, what they're doing to you, and I want you to talk to me about things that bother you, it's just...I've never known someone who had to deal with something like this, you know?"

"You don't have to do anything," Cas promised softly. "Just...just listen? And touch me and kiss me and tell me it's okay? Essentially, everything you just did, that's enough."

Dean smiled and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "She's really, really beautiful, Cas. Just like her daddy."

Cas let out a soft sound that might have been a whimper, or a tiny sob, and hid his face in Dean's shoulder. They didn't move for a long while, until Dean's stomach suddenly released a loud growl that made Cas laugh and scoot down to kiss it. He only laughed harder when he looked up to see that Dean's face had gone beet-red. "Aw, poor baby with his silly tummy," Cas teased, gently bumping their foreheads together.

"Lay off," Dean whined. Cas shook his head, a wicked grin conquering his formerly-melancholy face. Dean let out a loud yelp when he pinched the soft flesh just underneath his bellybutton and quickly jumped off the couch before Dean could trap him in a big anaconda hug, fleeing to the kitchen.

Dean raced after him, catching him by the waist while Cas just laughed and giggled like a maniac. "Shut up," Dean chuckled as he lifted Cas off the tiled floor, holding him tight as he could and nuzzling his smooth chest. Castiel leaned down to nip at his hair, still laughing and squeezing Dean's broad shoulders until Dean finally looked up so that he could steal a kiss from his unsuspecting mouth. For minutes, or hours, their tongues wound and curled and caressed in their lazy dance, until Cas was hitching his legs around Dean's waist and rubbing wantonly against his boxers.

With a groan Dean finally realized that Cas was still naked, his cock hard and flushed pink against his lower stomach. Dean growled and lowered Cas to the ground again, shoving him out of the kitchen and toward the living room. Castiel narrowed his eyes and caught one of Dean's wrist in a crushing grip. "I don't appreciate that attitude-"

Dean just wrenched himself free to grab Cas' waist, roughly pushing him into the couch when they reached the living room. Cas let him, for now, but still glared at him with gleaming blue slits for eyes.

But when Dean tried to turn Cas onto his stomach, lifting his ass up as he pulled down his boxers, he was abruptly stopped by a bruising kick to the thigh that sent him doubling over and groaning in pain.

Cas turned around and pushed him onto the floor. "Get into bed, _now_," Cas almost shouted, holding Dean's head up by the hair so he could glare into his eyes.

Dean nodded and looked down at the ground, whimpering until Cas let him go stumble into the bedroom. He collapsed onto the mattress, pathetically clutching his leg, and before he knew it Cas' body was covering his own and his hands were pinned over his head. "You don't pull anything like that with me," Castiel hissed, squeezing his wrists until Dean let out a desperate whine. "Do you understand?"

"C-Cas, I'm sorry-"

Castiel let his nails dig into Dean's skin. "I said, do you understand?"

"Yes," Dean finally gasped. "Won't do it again, I swear."

Castiel made a little grunt of acknowledgement, slowly pulling Dean's boxers down to his knees. "Pushy whore," he muttered as he took Dean's cock tightly in his hand, making him whine and keen and writhe in the bed sheets.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, Cas, please-"

Cas' eyes widened, and immediately he leaned down to gently kiss Dean's panting mouth. "Dean? Dean, shh," he whispered. "I..._I'm _sorry, are you okay?"

"What? Fuck, yes, I'm okay, Cas," he chuckled breathlessly. "You're fucking hot when you're pissed. You're finally not holding back on me."

"Did it seem that way last night?" Castiel asked softly.

Dean shrugged, looking up at him with a fond smile. "I mean, I can just sort of tell this is more of your element."

Castiel looked down at him with a sheepish blush flaring up in his pale cheeks. "It-er-well, it is."

Dean grinned. "Then use me 'n abuse me as much as you want, baby bird."

"No. That's not what it's about. I never want to hurt you, Dean." With a frown, he moved down to press a light kiss to the bruise blooming in Dean's thigh. "I'm so sorry, I should've talked to you about all this before doing that-"

"_Cas_! Please, that was fucking hot and I'm fucking hard and I _need _you!"

Finally, the worry melted from Cas' face and he took Dean's cock again, wasting no time in lining it up with his entrance. His lips turned in a smug smirk at the groan that ripped from Dean's mouth as he lowered himself on his desperate cock, then smiled softly as Dean sat up to wrap his arms around him. They made love slowly, languidly, without any of the heated anger from before. Castiel couldn't say he minded though. Perhaps he would have with someone else, but with Dean he was content with gentle vanilla sex, so long as he was in a position that allowed him to watch Dean's face fall apart as he came, gasping Cas' full name like a prayer.

* * *

Eventually, they did remember to make breakfast and put on some clothes before Gabriel got home. Gabe smiled when he saw them watching T.V on the couch, Cas comfortably nestled in Dean's lap as he drank the milk from his cereal bowl, and decided to lay low in his own room to give them just a little more time together. Cas and Dean barely noticed. All they could think about was how nice this was, how safe and warm they felt in their close proximity. How much they didn't want Dean to ever go home.

But then Charlie called, her voice thick as she fought back frightened tears, and Dean found himself practically running out the door, eyes wide and panicked, leaving Cas alone and dumbfounded in the middle of the living room.


	9. Chapter 9

**I know, I know, it's been a while :( I'm really sorry about that, but it's been a little hectic what with school starting up again (ew). Anyway, thank you as always for reading and for any and all feedback :3 Also, I know this one's short but I promise that my next update will be really soon because it would seem that I'm on a bit of a roll today :D**

"D-Dean?" His mother's voice was so feeble and faint that he felt sick to his stomach. "Is that you, baby?"

He blinked back a hot tear and firmly took her hand. "Yeah, Mama."

She smiled weakly at him and with a small hum, closed her eyes once more.

"Mama?" Dean asked hollowly.

"Just gonna sleep..." In moments, she left him again, her eyes closed and face calm, a tiny smile playing at her lax lips.

Dean's own were trembling as he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, only pulling away when he heard the little room's door creak open.

"Dean?" asked Charlie, softly shutting the door behind her before joining him at Mary's bedside. His only response was to rest his head on her shoulder with a shaky sigh.

He remembered bursting through the door himself just a few hours ago, panicked and wild and demanding to know what had happened to land his mother in the hospital. With a weak little laugh, Mary had told him to just sit down, hold her hand for a while, and try not to worry anymore. He'd always worried so much, and besides, she was fine now. But eventually she relented, and explained to him that she'd accidentally started a small but startling kitchen fire whilst making Charlie and herself some tea. She'd burned her forearm rather badly, but the damage had been dealt with and wouldn't be at all permanent.

And despite that, Dean subconsciously vowed to himself that he'd never leave her side for too long ever again.

"Dean?" Charlie gently kissed his hair, one of her small hands thoughtlessly kneading his tense shoulder. "Have you called Sam?"

With a sharp wince, he realized he hadn't. "I'll...I'll go do it now, I guess." He gently disengaged from her shoulder and rose to his feet. Before he left, though, Charlie lightly caught his wrist.

"It's gonna be okay, Dean," she told him with a warm smile.

He nodded once and leaned down to kiss the top of her head before quietly stepping out of the room.

* * *

Castiel couldn't really say he was mad. No, he was _livid. _And...just honest-to-God hurt.

He thought that he and Dean...that they'd _found _something together. Something that, despite everything wrong with them and their lives, was theirs and theirs alone, a safe place that they could hide safely in each other's arms and suddenly all that felt like a quickly dissolving dream.

He'd just _left. _What the hell was Cas supposed to do with that?

* * *

Dean couldn't help counting each time the other line sounded almost painfully in his ear until Sam finally picked up his phone. "Yeah?" he asked, his voice thick and muffled. Dean almost regretted waking him up, but this was too important, this was _Mom._

"Sam," Dean breathed out the name like a prayer. "Sam-it's Dean."

When Sam answered, his voice was more clear, alert. "Dean, is something wrong?"

"Uh-y-yeah, it's Mom." He heard Sam suck in a sharp gasp. "She's all right now, but...there was a fire in the kitchen today, Sammy. She said she started it by accident trying to cook or something, and I wasn't there. If Charlie hadn't been staying over, I don't know what would've happened."

There was a long, heavy silence before Sam said in a low, hushed voice, "Jesus Christ. Has anything else happened since...since Dad...?"

"Not like this. I mean, she's been more forgetful, more quiet...sometimes she won't come out of their room for hours and hours on end, and I think she spends all that time going through photos and clothes."

"She's keeping his clothes?"

Dean nodded. "She-she was. I had to take them to Goodwill myself. She just couldn't."

More silence, then, "It's not good, Sammy. And now, she's even hurt herself. God, what if Charlie hadn't been there-?"

"She was there," Sam reminded him firmly. "And Mom's fine now. It's gonna be okay, Dean. It's gonna get better."

_Yeah, you guys keep saying that. _"But _when_? How long is she gonna need me?" At that thought, an ugly revelation washed over him. _I _left _Cas. I just left him without saying a word. I can't expect him to put up with bullshit like that. _How long was it going to be before he could seriously think about moving on with his life? He couldn't just stay at his childhood home, expecting Cas to wait for him, forever. Why would Cas wait at all, anyway?

Sudden passion took over him as he waited for Sam to reply. He loved his family more than life itself, and he had and always would feel like it was his number one job to take care of them, but when did he get find his own home, his own life?

As if he'd been able to read his thoughts, Sam pointed out gently, "Dean, no one asked you to stay with her."

And at that, the passion dissipated, leaving him hard and stubborn and harshly biting his words out. "No one had to." And he just hung up. Rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. God, he was so _tired. _

How could he have been so selfish in those bright, painful, doubtful moments? His mom needed him now. Perhaps she wouldn't later, but the harsh fact was that she did now. Dean would have to wait, which was...fine. He'd waited before.

* * *

"You could call him, you know," Gabriel said, gently tapping Cas on the shoulder to get his attention. It was a rare evening in which Gabe wasn't working or out with friends and Castiel didn't have any studying or essays to worry about at the moment. The little apartment was quiet, save the occasional hiss and pop from the water they were boiling on the stove.

Cas ignored the suggestion. "Gabe, did you remember to pick up some pasta at the store?"

Gabriel fixed him with a hard look and a slight frown. "Always were a stubborn son of a bitch."

"Don't call our mother names. It's rather impolite, especially since she's dead." Cas shrugged faintly and wandered to the other side of the kitchen to rummage through the pantry, not noticing how his brother's golden hazel eyes went wide.

Castiel must be far more upset than he was letting on. It took a lot for something to get so under his skin, to leave him so broken-hearted that his verbal filter just disappeared, that his manner grew so distant, that his voice became so deadpan and hollow.

So empty inside that he even mentioned his mother at all.

That was the realization that made Gabriel reach out to grab his shoulders, barely able to keep from shaking the daylights out of the kid. "Cas! You're just being fucking stubborn, and why? How on Earth do you know that Dean's leaving even had anything to do with you?"

"He's...he's straight," Cas said flatly. "I just confused him for a minute, but he's straight and...disgusted with what happened, what could've happened."

"That's just not true, Cassie. I saw the way he held you and looked at you and that's not fucking true. So call him, _please_ just call him! Look at how miserable you're making yourself!"

Cas just dropped his gaze down to the tile floor.

"_Cassie_. I haven't seen you acting like this since you lost Belle."

Castiel's eyes widened and returned to meet his brother's. "W-what...?"

"You really care about Dean, and he really cares about you, so just call him," Gabriel commanded him in a more gentle tone, smoothing an unruly lock of dark hair from his forehead.

And Cas found himself nodding and walking slowly back to his room, numb and slightly dazed and finally understanding that Gabriel was _right._ He cared about Dean more than he'd known before, he wanted this thing between them to grow into something serious and terrifying and beautiful. He sat at the edge of his bed, letting out a soft sigh as he saw that the sheets were still rumpled and sticky and clinging to the memory of _Dean. _

Very faintly, he whispered, "Please pick up, please pick up," as the other line rang.

Finally, even though it only took four or five seconds, Dean's voice, thick and tired but undeniably his, was saying ardently, "Jesus, Cas, I'm so sorry."

Cas swallowed hard. "I-I-what precisely for?"

"Um, for bolting out of your house without saying anything?" Dean breathed out a long sigh. "Baby, I'm so sorry."

Castiel couldn't help the warmth unfurling in his chest at the sound of the petname. It felt...normal. Like everything really was all right. "Then...there is an explanation?"

"It's my mom...there was an accident at her place. She's okay now, but when I got the call I just...I panicked. I couldn't think of anything else. But that's really no excuse for how I treated you."

"Dean, it's okay," Cas assured him with a slightly shaky laugh. "I mean-it was a family emergency. How can I expect you to not worry like that, you know?"

"But I just left. The things you must've thought..."

"It doesn't matter," Castiel promised softly. "Really, it doesn't. What matters is that you're mom's okay, and that you're okay. I mean...you are, right?"

"...I don't know. God, I really don't know. I just feel so fucked up, baby. It's like, I should've been at home with her, but I should've been with you, too, and everything's so mixed up and I'm..." His bleak words abruptly trailed off.

All the while, Castiel just listened and by the time Dean was finished, he finally understood. "Where are you now?"

"Wha-er, the hospital."

Cas slowly nodded. "Okay. Can I come and see you? I miss you and...and I've got to talk to you, in person, I think."

Though he had no way of knowing, Dean was nodding eagerly. "Yeah-yes, please. I miss you too, baby bird."

Cas smiled softly at the quiet but passionate endearment. "Okay. I'm on my way. Can you meet me in the lobby in about fifteen minutes?"


	10. Chapter 10

When Cas finally saw Dean's face again, he couldn't stop a bright grin from spreading across his own. He crossed the distance between them in a spontaneous sprint, crashing into Dean's welcoming arms and huffing a laugh from the older man. "Hi, baby," he said, fondly ruffling Cas' hair before leaning down for a kiss.

Cas pressed into it, into the warm length of Dean's body, bringing his hands up to tightly clutch at his tawny hair. "Hi," he answered softly, grinning up at him. Cas smiled and claimed another, slower kiss. "Do you wanna sit down for a little while?"

Dean's own smile was small and sad as he nodded. Then, Cas took both his hands in a gentle grip and led him over to the row of little blue chairs sitting against the wall. However, instead of taking one for himself he simply settled in Dean's lap.

Dean let out a tiny little chuckle and kissed the top of his head. "What've you been up to?"

"Waiting for you to call, until my brother pointed out to me what a stubborn bastard I was being," replied Cas with a shrug.

Dean's face fell. "I'm sorry-"

Cas brought a finger up to Dean's lips to silence him, and shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I'm here now. Let's talk."

With a shaky sigh, Dean nodded, and Cas removed his finger in favour of gently cupping the side of his face in his hand. "Dean, did you feel guilty for spending the night with me?"

"What? Of course not!"

"Dean," said Cas softly, a kind, patient look shining in his blue eyes. "On some level, I believe you did."

Dean let out a helpless whimper and buried his face in the boy's shoulder. "I-God, I don't know." Dean sighed, leaning on his shoulder and twining their fingers. "I've-I've been taking care of all of them all my life. I don't know, I just...always felt like I should. I don't even know if they needed me, really. Like...like my brother Sam. I _know_ he doesn't need me, never did. He wanted out of Kansas so he got himself a scholarship and a degree and a goal, and all this time I thought I needed to take care of him." Dean scoffed.

Cas listened with a slow nod.

"But I do know my mom needs me now. Until she can let go of my dad. But...I don't know how long that'll take." He looked up at Cas with a pleading expression. "I...I just don't know, Cas."

"I know you don't. But...Dean, you don't have to put your life on hold. I get that you want to watch over her, take care of her, but I really don't think she's asking you to _pause_ like this."

"...I know. I didn't realize it until I found you, but it's true." Dean fixed him with a heavy, serious gaze. "Cas, you make me want things for myself I've never given much thought to before. You make me want to let go of my family, to let them be and have them let me be. Does that make any sense?"

Cas nodded with a small smile. "Yeah, it makes sense." He gave Dean's cheek a soft, sweet kiss. "You make me want a lot of things, too. But we'll just have to start out nice and slow."

Dean smiled back and pressed a kiss to his feather-soft dark hair. "I want to start my life, I know I want to start my life. But...what do I do with that, you know?"

"Right now? You stay with your mother for as long as you think you should," Castiel replied, squeezing the other man's ensnared fingers. "And...I'll wait."

Dean ardently shook his head. "No, Cas. That's not what I want for you. You shouldn't have to wait at all." Though he was touched by the idea that Cas could want him that much, he could never ask that of him. "I want to be...good for you," he whispered with a kiss to Cas' temple. "I want to devote as much time as possible to you."

"Dean," Cas chuckled. "It's okay, I promise. We'll be okay for as long as we both want to work on this. All I ask is that you don't forget to call next time, deal?"

Somehow Dean's smile softened even more as he hugged Cas tightly to his chest, peppering the top of his head with kisses. Passersby regarded their very public affection either with happy little smiles of their own or scowls, but all went unnoticed as they held each other, only pulling apart after Dean whispered against Cas' hair, "Do you wanna meet her?"

* * *

Dean opened the door to Mary's room slowly and quietly, his free hand loosely grasping Cas'. "Mom?" he asked gently, letting out a sigh of relief when he saw that her eyes were open and she was smiling warmly at him.

"Hey, baby. Come here." She extended both arms to her, including the one bandaged up to the elbow. The sight made him frown slightly.

Cas slowly entered the room with a sheepish smile and hung back so that Dean blocked Mary's view of him. He made an adorable sight, in Dean's opinion, all shy and flustered like that when Dean knew how much of a brat he could be, as well as how he became such an unstoppable force of nature in bed.

He cleared his throat as he leaned down to kiss Mary's forehead. She promptly wrapped her arms round his neck and Cas couldn't help the tears starting to well in his eyes. He couldn't help thinking of his own mother, how she always hugged him and kissed him on the cheek every chance she got, even though her affection used to leave him blushing and embarrassed. He couldn't imagine longing for something more than he longed for those touches now, except perhaps for his Belle.

Dean gently pulled away and turned back to him, snapping Cas out of his reverie. "C'mere."

Blushing, Cas approached the bed, still smiling shyly at the beautiful blonde woman it held, wearing sparkling blue eyes but Dean's unmistakable smile.

"Mama, this is Cas. He's my boyfriend." Dean mentally patted himself on the back for saying it so calmly, albeit softly.

Mary's eyes widened but her smile never wavered. "It's very nice to meet you, Cas. You gonna make an honest man out of my son?"

Castiel chuckled and closed the remaining distance between them so he could gently shake her soft hand. "I'm doing my best, ma'am."

"Good." She gave his hand a light squeeze before turning back to Dean. "Honey, can we go home yet?"

"I think so," Dean replied. "I think I'll go check with the doc real quick first."

"Honestly, I don't know why they wanted to keep me here at all. I'm perfectly fine."

Dean's face hardened, just barely, but enough for Cas to notice. He gave a short nod before exiting the room, leaving Mary and Cas alone.

Cas took a seat next to the bed. "So, any embarrassing childhood stories I should know about?"  
"Hundreds," Mary answered with a broad grin. "

* * *

When Dean returned to the little room it was to the sound of unbridled laughter, his mother's head thrown back and Cas' covered in his hands as their bodies shook with their apparent glee. "What?" Dean demanded. Somehow, he was sure whatever they were laughing about was at his expense.

Cas looked up at him, wiping away tears with the back of his hand. "Um, the tiny Dean running around the neighbourhood stark naked to escape bath time story?"

Dean's eyes widened in horror as Mary added, "Dean, honey, this boy is delightful! We just have to kidnap him!"

Well, as terrified and humiliated as he was, he wasn't going to argue with _that _reasoning.


	11. Chapter 11

Castiel couldn't help falling in love with the Winchsters' pretty little house. First off, it always smelled of something delicious baking in the oven. The furniture was minimal but made up for in cute, tasteful decorations practically littering the place, from never-used china to delicate house plants to lovely candles.

Dean had opened the door for him with a shy blush, even going so far as to mutter, "Sorry about the mess," as Cas entered. Cas just smiled and turned to Mary.

"You have a beautiful home, Mrs. Winchester."

Mary beamed at him. "Thank you, darling. Dean, why don't you get him set up in your room?"

His blush reddening, Dean grabbed the bag they'd picked up from Cas' apartment out of the boy's grasp, taking his hand with his free one. "Come on, honey."

He led Cas through a hallway to a closed door to their left, which he also opened for him. Dean hung back to let Cas go in first, flipping on the light switch to reveal his small, mostly bare room. It mainly consisted of his lumpy twin bed, boring brown nightstand, and hamper over-spilling with clothes in desperate need of folding and putting away in his little chest-of-drawers.

"Uh-sorry for the mess," Dean repeated. He couldn't help it-compared to Cas' neat, comfy room, this was just pathetic.

But Castiel was looking around with a soft smile, then a grin at the messy pile of books next to the little bed. "Shut up. I love it." He took a seat on the bed, chuckling good-naturedly when the old mattress creaked underneath his weight.

Dean winced at the sound, reluctantly sinking into the bed next to Cas, who promptly leaned on his shoulder and greedily claimed both of his hands.

Dean couldn't hold back a soft laugh. "I'm glad you're here," he confessed. "You didn't have to come."

"Of course I did, you kidnapped me," Cas pointed out brightly.

"Oh, right," Dean laughed, leaning in to plant a sloppy kiss on the boy's smooth cheek.

Cas tried to scramble out of reach and collapsed into the mattress as a result, laughing and squealing as Dean followed. With that, they became a tangled knot of lax limbs and messy kisses. Soon, they became needy, breathless kisses and Cas found himself spreading his legs wide so Dean's body could slot in between them.

Cas failed to suppress a soft giggle, which had Dean somehow kissing him even more fervently. They only broke away at Cas' halfhearted, breathless protest, "B-babe, your mother..."

Reluctantly, Dean rolled off of him and onto his side, though he let his hand linger on the boy's hip. "I usually make dinner," he said quietly, his half-lidded eyes never wavering from the sliver of gold skin that Cas' rucked-up shirt had revealed. "My mom does way better desserts, though. She usually goes to bed right after eating, and I don't stay up very late either since my shift at the bookstore starts so early." He gave an apologetic smile. "This won't really be the most exciting slumber party in the world."

Castiel laughed and kissed his cheek. "I don't care about exciting, dumbass. You know what I find exciting? Birds and flowers and the occasional really good blowjob. I care about being here, with you."

"You can't be real," accused Dean. "You belong in some warped rom-com."

Cas giggled again, grabbing a pillow from behind the other man's head and lightly swatting at his stomach. With that began all-out war, which inevitably resulted in Cas pinned underneath Dean's weight, the pillow pressing down on his face as Dean shook with laughter. And Cas couldn't remember the last time he felt such happiness swelling in his chest, not since everything had happened. Not since before losing Daphne, then Belle, then his parents. But now that he felt it, pure joy bursting forth from his body in huffs of laughter once more, it seemed to him that he was learning to _breathe _again.

Even if he wasn't technically breathing terribly well at the moment.

"Un-uncle!" he gasped, and Dean hastily got off him again, showering his flushed face with tiny, cautious kisses.

"Shit, I'm sorry, was I too rough? Are you okay? Fuck, why did I think that was a good idea, you're practically a little _twink-_"

"_Dean. _I think I've already proven that I'm a bit stronger than I look," Cas reminded him with a raised eyebrow.

Dean blushed but Cas just smiled up at him, raising a hand to lightly cup his stubble-dusted cheek. "You have no idea of what you've given me."

Dean leaned into the touch, his blush deepening. "Do...do you want to help me with dinner?" But in his head he was screaming, _What could I possibly have to offer to something as beautiful as you? _

But Cas saw it in his reddening skin, the way he couldn't meet his eyes all of a sudden. "Don't do that, Dean," he commanded gently. "Don't you think like that anymore."

Dean attempted a bemused smirk. "I don't know what you mean."

Castiel sighed and rolled onto Dean, gently pressing him into the old, protesting mattress. He gave Dean's parted, confused lips a tender kiss, but when he broke away his eyes were blazing. "You know what I mean. And I need to be honest with you, if you refuse to try and see what I see in you, there's just no way you can give me what I'm looking for." He quickly deflated a bit, slumping limply onto Dean's broad chest.

Meanwhile, Dean was looking blankly up at the ceiling as he let Cas' words sink in, slow and potent as rolling molasses. "I...I get it, Cas. I do. I don't...think badly of myself, that's not my problem."

Castiel sat up, looking down at him with a subdued, softer gaze. "What's the problem, then?"

"It's just...when Sam and I were kids, our mom really had her hands full, you know? My dad was a damn _deadbeat_, no matter how much no one wanted to admit it. So Mom and I raised the kid. There's no other way of putting it, really. And somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that he needed me and that he should be my first priority."

Cas frowned, placing a gentle hand on Dean's back without thinking about it as he continued; "Sam never needed me though, not really. He's out at friggin' Stanford, building a life for himself like...I should be doing, too. Before Dad died, I was trying. I left Lawrence and found work as a mechanic, got myself a little apartment. It's not much, but it was a start, and now..."

When Dean's voice trailed off, Cas leaned in to slowly kiss him, then told him firmly, "It won't me this way forever, Dean. You'll get your life back soon."

"But...will you still want me?"

The honest fear and reluctance in his voice made Cas unsure if he wanted to laugh or cry. "Dean, why wouldn't I?"

"We...we won't see each other as much, I'll be working full-time again, not to mention living an hour away..."

Castiel silenced him with a swift kiss. "Shh, baby. It'll be just fine."

Dean made a soft sound in back of his throat and started to reach for a kiss when his mother knocked lightly at the door. "Dean, I've finished cleaning the kitchen."

Smiling, Dean started to rise from the bed, holding a hand out for Cas. "That's her super subtle code for 'come make dinner.'"

Castiel spent the next hour in the kitchen with Dean, making pasta with chicken and homemade garlic rolls. Or, rather, he hovered about and leaned against the countertop watching Dean cook, unable to keep himself from swooping. It was so damn sweet and domestic, being able to see him like this, quietly humming himself as he worked. As they ate in the small but cozy dining room, Mary continued her epic saga of Dean's embarrassing adventures from his childhood, much to his mortification. Despite how pleasant the conversation seemed to Cas, she still took her leave as soon as she'd finished eating, just as Dean had predicted.

As Dean and Cas were cleaning the dishes, Cas couldn't help but notice him frowning and worrying at his soft lip, and swooped in to give the back of his neck a quick kiss. "Wanna go to bed? We can finish up in the morning," he murmured into Dean's smooth skin. The other man nodded and turned his head a little so he could nuzzle into Cas' dark hair.

"I'd like that."


End file.
